A little help from above

I run the Houston Trail on my days off, after the run I walk down to the river to stretch. It is always an emotional feeling staring at the fast and strong moving Fraser River in all its full Fall glory. I love it. Its my me moment I would never give up. Anyway, today I ran with my glasses on, I hate to because they slide down the bridge of my nose as I start to sweat and near the end of the run I inevitably carry them in my hands.

Today I put them in my hoodie pocket with my keys as I lifted my sweater over my head at the end of the run. I was at my car getting water before I go stretch. I walked down, walked back without paying attention to the fact that my vision was blurred, got in my car, turned the engine, looked around and thought – shit my glasses, I reached into my pocket and to my disbelief they were not there. I frantically searched my surroundings, jumping ahead to how am I going to get home, I guess I can walk there and back and get my spare before pick up at 230…maybe I can call the police for an escort- no that’s ridiculous but I thought it.

Of course my husband who has been working from home for 20 months is on Vancouver Island for work this week for the first time in did I mention it’s been 20 months… thanks to covid.

So I kept re checking my pockets, am I going crazy, I retrace my steps, a man even asks kindly what are you looking for? I have almost given up, thinking I will drive to the end of this road and walk home… I see a squirrel about 7 feet away, comes down the tree in behind of my car toward the road, I hear a car coming from behind us so I walk toward it hoping to scare it from crossing, it darts back up the tree, I go in the direction the squirrel did and what do you know- right there on the ground were the little bugger stopped were my glasses.

I of course loudly said thank you to the squirrel and was able to drive home and start the zillion errands and cleanings that needs to be done on my only day off.

Here’s to the things big and small of the world!! Sent to help us when we least expect it.

This beautiful little wood pecker has been coming to visit when I sit on my front drive to rest and recharge after long busy days. Sit in my chair, staring at the sky. I heard his voice and wondered what it was, I looked around and there he was a few feet away.

The beauty in nature and its creatures can feel so healing in a way that we are able to look at things outside ourselves, appreciate the beauty in simplicity and are reminded that we are never alone.

Thanks for reading,

Go outside and enjoy the nature around you.

Sheri

I see you

My sweet Lily Bean January 20 2012

A poem for Lily

I look around and your all I see
Your face in the clouds
Your fingers and hands
Like branches,leaves in the trees
The sunset, so beautiful reminds me of you
The pink of a sunrise
Your lovely soft cheeks
Waves crash to shore
As a smiles alights your face
My thoughts of you surround me
The beauty of nature belongs to you my sweet lily flower.

 

Written May 22 2012

By Sheri Hall,  for her daughter Lilly Hall who died 2.5 months earlier.

 

Capture you Grief

 

Writing Challenge Day 1: Sunrise

My Sunrise

Chemicals cross the sky causing the sunrise, we feel unattainable glory at the beauty it beholds. Every Sunrise is a new beginning, a fresh start, another chance. Some yearn for it while others despise it. Those who want to go back to re-live a memory, those that cannot let go, the wounds too raw. Every new sunrise a defeat a reminder that yesterday is done. There is no way back. You have no choice but to keep moving forward, to hopefully realize you still get to see the sunrise.

 

Thanks for reading,

Namaste,

Sheri

The never ending mountain

 

Grief; ultimately the hike of your lifetime, a steep decent into the muddy, dark mess that sticks to your boots pulling you into its sinking sludge. Sometimes a light stroll through the memories, a rainbow follows a storm and you appreciate the change. Out of nowhere a harsh incline appears as if out of nothing it feels as though you are not going anywhere but if you look back the reflection is faint. You have come further than you realise, one foot in front of the other, drag, pull, skip, jump but don’t stop. You must keep climbing. Moving forward into the hard fog for it will lift at the slighest moment to show you new beauty. The colors around you are constantly changing, the landscape never the same. New fears appear as past loss is accepted but that is the way we grow. We learn to accept, we challenge our normal, feel the hurt and keep climbing.

 

 

Sometimes the smallest things can seem like a huge hurdle to get over, take a breath, have a moment for yourself and start again.

 

Share your thoughts.

 

Thanks for reading

Namste

Sheri

Capture your Grief Poetry final 5

Express

Your broken heart in a picture; words on a card

Thoughts on a page; heart on your sleeve

Tears on you pillow;  wind in your hair

Expression is always there

Wisdom

From experience it grows inside

For us to find when we lie

Down to reflect of past wins or losses

Wisdom comes from within

Welcome what it has taught us

Some find it hard to see but we need to feel inside

for it to reach us; not to hide

Reflect

The stranger in the window; you have forgotten who it is

Think back to a time when it looked familiar

Who is that face staring back at you

Time changes the reflection of ourselves

The passing of time cause us to reflect

As we reflect on the reflection in the window

Intention

What is the intention; we often ask

Is it pure, honest, real

Do we trust or question ones intention

Research, calculate its truth

To whom does the best intention help

You or me

Or no one

Our intentions can be misinterpreted, misread or misunderstood

Is it why we keep our deepest intentions private?

Sunset

Peace, color, thought

Night, leaving, end

Dark, moon, rise

Red, orange, yellow turn to black

Happy to sad; here to gone

Quiet

Goodbye sun

Thank you for Reading,

Namaste. Sheri

Capture your Grief in 18 days

February 1 2017

In 17 days on the 18th of February it will be 5 years since my daughter Lily died unexpectedly in my arms, I say unexpectedly not because we did not know something was wrong but we were so surprised at what we were suddenly going through and although we learned of many complications in her tiny body that made it impossible for her to live, we learned those in the matter of a week, the last week of her life, after many scans and x rays, until that point we had a healthy pregnancy followed by a traumatic delivery that was to leave her with a disability, the seriousness of it to be determined as she grew. But she did not grow, she died. She died after they told us she would never breathe on her own, after they told us she needed a tracheotomy and 3 heart surgeries but was not nearly healthy enough to survive 1 surgery  let alone 4 and so we allowed them to remove her breathing tube and she died in our arms. I remember that day like a dream. I held her so tight praying for her to breathe on her own, I remember not wanting to look at her in case her face was blue; not wanting that to be my last memory of her. I remember walking down an incredibly loud hallway that was filled with silence, back to our car, not to return to that hospital for a year but that time to see her memorial tile that now sits outside the NICU. Numb with the shock of what just happened.

So in honor of the 5th year of her lost life I will be writing my grief in poem or short story form with Carly Marie’s Capture your Grief as a guideline ( photo below).

I will post them like the poem writing challenge of December, in groups of 3, although feeling overwhelmed today I may just be able to do 1. -Sunrise

Thank you for reading,

I hope you enjoy and implore you to write for yourself, to heal yourself, to help understand your grief or life changes that leave us feeling lost and confused.

Namaste,

Sheri

 

Sunrise

The dawn of a new day

The first light seeps in

the thoughts come rushing back

the ones that kept me awake

praying for morning to come quickly

The memory of the previous week

was it all a dream

can I disappear into the sunset

and return with you in the sunrise

I wish I did not have to open my eyes

I sat for hours on a bench

 watching the sun come over the tree tops

 wondering where you have gone

dreaming you were watching this morning sky with me

But alas there will be many more without you

The beauty of them has not left me blind

so I assume I will be okay

the words it paints across the sky

fill my heart with hope

that tomorrows’ sunrise

I will be fine in time

By Sheri Hall

 

 

 

Nature, Pink, Inspiration

Nature

Human nature; Mother nature

A reflex automated by the brain

A seed blown in the wind grows with rain

A twitch of a memory causing pain

Destruction of her for our vain

What was once nature is natural no more

Acid rain to paint our faces

Aluminum foil to wrap our races

Creating color for our clothes

While ignoring the color of society’s woes

Where has human nature gone?

Disappeared with mother natures’ land

By Sheri Hall

Your Inspiration

Her smile, her eyes, laughs and cries

The joy she brings when I hear her sing

Tiny hands embracing mine

Security given all the time

No purposeful hurt only love

Innocent and sweet watching from above

Rough and tumble like little bear cubs

Poking and teasing, covered in smiles

Supporting their falls all the while

Four inspirations my heart brings to mind

All I want is for them to shine

By Sheri Hall

 

 

Pink

Lips shoes nails

Hearts lungs veins

Cheeks petals pails

Races shirts sails

Days’ weeks’ celebrations

Birds houses cars

Dusk dawn Mars’s rotation

Big small

Vast wide

Pink can be found all around

Or inside

 

By Sheri Hall

 

 

Up next # 23,24 & 25

 

Thanks for reading.

I know December is over, however, I did not start the challenge until mid December. I love how it has forced me to write every day, on a specific topic, make time for what you love they say- but sometimes a challenge helps.

Happy New year to all.

Namaste,

Sheri

 

 

 

 

Reality of Life and Death

After talking with a  few friends who are having a hard time with recent deaths of those very close to them, they’re having a hard time having never experienced  loss before or perhaps dealing with death; the older we become it seems to get harder because of the realization of our own mortality. They are in there mid thirties to mid forties, so I was surprised; I just kept thinking how lucky they were to have been spared for so long. But of course knew how insensitive that was to think.

I started to think of my own life and those that have died around me. The first death I experienced was the death of my friend/neighbors mom when we were 7 or 8. I knew it was sad, I knew she was “gone” but did not really understand what happened or the loss to the family. I remember her brother who was 10 or 11 yelling at me and my brothers for going to their moms funeral saying that we just wanted to miss school. I didn’t understand why he got mad at us not until I was older. The next was not for almost 10 years later when my paternal grandfather died, I remember going to the hospital to say goodbye, I am glad my dad brought me. I remember how shallow and scary his breathing sounded; I remember crying but also trying to hide it. The worst was watching how that death affected my dad, he began drinking more after that, and maybe that’s why within a few months my mom left him.

The next death that impacted me was that of a friend who was beaten to death. The hardest part about that was that it was done by other mutual friends. Not being able to understand why. His funeral was hard because some of our friends ,who were friends with both were not allowed to go; I was friends with both but not close to either at that time. It was hard because it wasn’t right, no one deserves to be murdered and no one expects others to take one’s life so carelessly. It really opened my eyes to the brutality of life. After this I was in my early 20’s and quite a few friends and acquaintances in the years that followed had died or been killed or overdosed. It almost started to be ‘normal’. No, just easier to accept I guess. Then 2 friends from high school died, we were not close anymore it had been almost 10 years since high school but it was hard to understand and handle none the less. One was killed by a drunk driver leaving behind 3 kids, and just having had my 1^st child being pregnant with my 2^nd it literally shattered my heart to think of their loss as well as her for not being able to see her kids grow up. The other friend took his own life, battling a terrible depression that none were even aware of. The amount of death at my minds door at the ripe age of 30 was astounding. But nothing prepared me for the next year, the year I turned 31. I gave birth to and then lost my 3^rd child when she was 2 months old, 2 months later my maternal grandmother passed and 2 weeks previous my paternal grandmother passed. All the deaths were overwhelming. I felt surrounded, I was in shock for most of that 1st year, as I sit and type I realize the fog lifted shortly after a year but I think I hurt more because I started to feel more, the shock being gone there was more room to think as well as feel. I felt not only grief and loss but guilt and longing were added. Then I thought about all those lost before and felt just so overwhelmingly sad and mad at the world. How do we live “happily” when so many are not given that chance? How can we accept death when it is so unexpected most of the time? How do we live with the intention of putting love first when some of us are lucky enough to not experience hard losses and therefore live to maturity and grow wealth or some that disregard life and kill the earth or our environment due to lack of empathy. I believe death teaches us empathy, to care more for what is important. I hate death and the things it has taken from me but it has given me appreciation for things like a 100 year old tree, spring flowers, a hug, a kiss, a smile. Things money cannot buy.

At times when I see others pain in coping with death and loss I wish I could take it or make it go away, but I also know that it is part of accepting the reality of life and death in having to accept others passing and how it makes us feel.

So as I enter the later years of my life where I am watching my friends deal with the loss of their parents, I know that there is so much more death around the corner as I get older, I just am not sure how to prepare my heart for the pain that I already feel brought on just by the thought of loss and not yet the actual death. I think I’ll have to go hug a tree, cry and hope I will have the strength to let go as I already have.

This tree on the left is the beautiful tree shown above that was cut down yesterday. I placed my palm on its trunk and cried for our loss.

Thanks for Reading,

Namaste.

Sheri.

 

 

All things are difficult before they are easy

‘No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path’ -Buddha
‘You cannot travel the path until you have become the path yourself’ – Buddha

Time

I haven’t been able to write in a while, this time of year is a hard relief. I am trying to escape the reality of time. Time goes on. Time heals all. Time never stops. Tick tock tick tock. In acute grief time does not heal, nothing is in focus, nor does it feel like it will ever be again, all you want is for time to stop. So you can stop. Stop feeling, stop moving, stop going through the motions. You realize time is moving faster and faster,  your grief gets farther away and that makes you sad because there was a time when you thought (and it wasn’t a bad thought) but you thought that it would feel like this forever, so broken, so lost, so uncaring of and for the world. But time goes on and you cant stop it, you cant stop the world changing around you and your need to move on and keep going even though you don’t really want to, you wake up one day and see that it hasn’t been that dark lately. But that also doesn’t feel ok, that somehow feels like a betrayal to the one you lost. Like your leaving your grief behind, your leaving them behind, you bring yourself to look at things to feel that sadness again, and that too is a step, forever you couldn’t look at, not purposefully anyway anything that reminded you of the pain of your loss. But you can, you want to and that is a big step. A spring step;  may your journey through grief continue as peacefully as this angel watching the flowers grow.   ‘We never really get over devastating loss. In the thick of it, we almost stop breathing; sometimes even wishing we could. And we know deep within that we will n…ever be the same. Yet, one day we feel the sun on our face again. We find ourselves smiling at a child or a joke or a memory. And at that moment, we realize we are finding our way back. Changed forever? Yes. But also softer, deeper, more vulnerable and more loving too. And we are breathing again. ‘  -Paul Boynton