Depression and anxiety are rampant these days and with good reason, with all the tragedies happening around us, combined with us all wanting more than we need because of what marketing and the media have cramed in our faces everyday helping us to feel less than when we don’t have it all. When we cannot do it all, as we are told we should. ADD, ADHD, Autism spectrum disorder (varying levels now) too many more mental illnesses. Breast cancer, Leukemia, Alzheimer’s and devastating childhood Cancers. So much we deal with, we look at but are told to be positive, don’t cry, you don’t want to make others uncomfortable, so instead we show off the people that we are not on Facebook, we Instragram the meals we pretend to cook daily, we Tweet our ‘heroes’ for attention, sadly they are famous people(not the scientists, doctors, army veterans that it should be) that do nothing helpful to the world(some do) but encourage consumerism by showing off all they’ve acquired, with glossed over, highly filtered shots that hurt our minds and grow our insecurities. People that suffer from anxiety tend to have suffered a traumatic event in their life, events that can range in degrees of harshness but are nonetheless traumatic to the recipient. We don’t learn how to cope with PTSD or the ensuing anxiety, we do learn to pretend, to be positive and when we cannot pretend we want to hide and isolate ourselves and unfortunately some isolate themselves to the point that they lose touch with reality or with society, trapped in their evil mind of negative thoughts. They venture to a doctor brave enough to tell someone they are not coping, only to be prescribed a deadly dose of mind numbing chemicals that in the end cause dependency, just a temporary solution instead of simply encouraging exercise, a better diet, two things which are proven mood lifters, they help with sleep and connect our body to our mind. Not our mind to drugs that in the end worsen the brain and the problem. I wish there was a magical cure for all those that suffer from depression, isolation, anxiety, I do think if our young were encouraged to go get fresh air when upset or go for a walk when frustrated or angry, if we could teach simple coping techniques; like meditation when feeling scared or confused, how better off we might be. When I feel so trapped inside my anxiety all I can do is ride it out. Knowing I am stronger than the thoughts that cause me this pain. I often wonder how much worse it would be if I didn’t exercise daily. When I was fourteen I tried to take my life. I was an undisciplined, (felt) unloved, labeled some terrible names at school because of untrue rumors that I was constantly running from. My parents were divorcing; I had no rules, no goals, no forced values or concern. No one would miss me, no one needed me, I didn’t understand the point. I went into the bathroom and took what was left in a bottle of Tylenol, about 20 pills, I figured it would be enough to do something, and went to bed. As I lay there crying I eventually started to think of the future, of what I wanted. What I hoped might happen one day. I got back up went to the bathroom and made myself throw up. I never again got that sad, sad enough to think I should be dead or not care enough to live. Not until my daughter died almost twenty years later did I think death would be better than living, one reason that I didn’t seriously consider it was because of my other two young kids, the thought of them losing their mother after their sister was a hard one, but I knew they’d be fine, they had an amazing dad, so every night after I’d wake up from a nightmare filled with dread or survived another panic attack because they were not home, I considered more and more the reasons I didn’t have to keep going, the only one that kept me alive in the end was the thought of my husband, who was suffering more than anyone cared to pay attention to or notice but I saw his pain every day, I felt his sadness, and watched his mind disappear and become numb with every drink he poured, I thought how he would be ruined if he lost his wife right after his daughter I knew my kids would be fine as long as they had their dad, but saw that their dad wouldn’t be fine and for that reason, my love for him, is why I decided to keep going. Why I have kept going. For them to have him. Now four years later I keep going for myself, to see my kids become adults, to maybe meet my grandchildren, to do what I can to make the world a better place for them until then. It is so easy to question the world, to hate your life. But if you can think of how people will be hurt because of a selfish decision, it can be eye opening. I don’t know what made me throw up the pills I took that night when I was fourteen, but maybe it was to get to this day, because god knows the hardships that followed were more than a lot deal with, but as they say, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ and for the longest time that was my mantra. I became hard, I am not very sympathetic to people with champagne problems or self inflicted issues or self imposed isolation. Go outside. Take a breath of fresh air. Remember what you have that some don’t.
I strongly believe that life is suffering; we need to feel the pain to feel the strength, esperience the hurt to see the happiness when it comes.
I wanted to share this not for pity or sympathy but because so many people assume only the ones who hide away, suffer or have suffered; only the ones on pills are truly understanding of mental disorders, but that is not true because all of us suffer at some point in our lives, it is just how we pick ourselves up and decide to keep going that makes a difference.
We need to keep going, to keep hoping.
Thanks for reading,