Capture your Grief; Relationships

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Day 16 – Relationships

Relationships and Grief:

Grief from a death, loss of job, divorce, betrayal of trust, there are so many ways that can be the cause of our discomfort of our grief, as well as, secondary factors that those have led to such as anxiety, sleep problems, claustrophobia, distrust, anger.

To manage so many forced emotions due to one uncontrollable action or many unforeseen events that occurred can be daunting, exhausting, unwanted. So for many we take it our on the relationships closest to us. We yell quicker, we hurt with less care of the result, we ignore or become aggressive to them. Grief can be a major destruction to relationships. It can force us to see someone in a different light, with the new forced lens of our new reality. It can force us to appreciate different things that maybe did not matter before therefore changing how we view a relationships importance to a specific person. Relationships are very complex, that of mother/daughter, father/son and vice versa, that of our spouse or partner, our relationship with our children or nieces and nephews, aunts or uncles. All are very different from each other and can and will be impacted differently by grief.

I think the only advice is to take your alone time, time to walk independently in your own thoughts and not others opinions or judgment. Space away to help figure out emotions without feeling the need to change them for certain people which results in having us begrudge them. Everybody wants to fix you and that in itself is what causes the problem within relationships after an event that causes grief. Distance from those people can help to figure out your own boundaries and navigate each specific need towards dealing with the grief and or situation that has caused it.

An odd fact told to me and my husband after we were told if our daughter survived and lived with all her disabilities is that the divorce rate among parents with disabled kids was higher. Gee thanks? After she died, it was repeated but because of the different reason. I found it, still find it odd that people let alone a doctor would find this information useful let alone necessary. What worked for us was distance, distance from others to live and be in our sorrow without facts or statements from others. People will assume you are withdrawing but no, we need space and time to learn how to navigate on our terms for the new normal we live.

Take your time. You will need it to preserve the relationships that matter.

Thank you for reading,

Sheri

 

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Capture your Grief; Wisdom/Support/Transformed

Day 7 – Wisdom

Wisdom comes from growth, wisdom comes from pain over happiness, wisdom comes from knowledge and experience. Wisdom cannot come from ignorance, nor can it be born our of prejudice. Wisdom does not discriminate however those who discriminate cannot earn wisdom.  Wisdom comes from acceptance. Wisdom cannot be earned with money nor rewarded with patience, wisdom comes through living in others shoes, empathetic growth teaches wisdom and a life of non judgment  can bring wisdom. When we chose love over hate, our wisdom well gets filled with the many accepting pieces of history that hurt. When we chose knowledge over power we earn the wisdom of self reflection and not obedience. Wisdom can be held in a tall oak tree if you stare and imagine long enough, its view and many visitors. Wisdom is a gift not given to all nor does it come with age but with observation.

 

Day 8 – Support

A gentle smile

A thoughtful wave

A needed hug

A helping hand

A pat on the back

A tap on the shoulder

A meaningful look into ones eyes

A door held open

A bag  helped carry

A card in the mail

A call on the phone

A walk in silence

 

Day 9 – Transformed

One day you wake up and jump pout of bed without noticing you didn’t struggle to get up, the day is half done before you realize how easy it was to get to this point in the day when at another time, the hours dragged for you to move, to shower, to dress, to not get back into bed. This day when it happens, comes as a surprise, when, how did you get here, this day is the beginning of your transformation. Something inside you shifted and wanted more, to keep going, to survive. It can take years before the transformation happens but have faith in yourself, you can get there. One day. You will transform. Your pain into growth will guide you. Be open.

 

Thanks for reading,

Sheri

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Capture you Grief

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Writing Challenge Day 1: Sunrise

My Sunrise

Chemicals cross the sky causing the sunrise, we feel unattainable glory at the beauty it beholds. Every Sunrise is a new beginning, a fresh start, another chance. Some yearn for it while others despise it. Those who want to go back to re-live a memory, those that cannot let go, the wounds too raw. Every new sunrise a defeat a reminder that yesterday is done. There is no way back. You have no choice but to keep moving forward, to hopefully realize you still get to see the sunrise.

 

Thanks for reading,

Namaste,

Sheri

The number Seven

I have always had an obsession with numbers, I have also always had a hard time falling and staying asleep, so I spent many nights awake as a child counting numbers, figuring out various equations to pass the hours of the night until I eventually drifted off to sleep. It is something I still do as an adult, although not as much.

You lived 52 days- 5 + 2 = 7

Your dad and I were married on 7th day of the 7th month in 2007 after 7 years together, we have now been together for 17.

You should be turning 7 this Christmas; and we will mourn the 7th anniversary of you death next February.


What is the meaning of the number 7?

“The number 7 is the seeker, the thinker, the searcher of Truth. The 7 doesn’t take anything at face value — it is always trying to understand the underlying, hidden truths. The 7 knows that nothing is exactly as it seems and that reality is often hidden behind illusions.”

My daughter, Hope,  that I had after Lily died, has just started kindergarten, I am immediately taken back 2 years to when Lily was supposed to start kindergarten and how hard I found seeing all those first day of kindergarten photos of friends with little girls the same age. Wondering how she would do, would she even have gone with all the disabilities she inevitably would have had because of her brain stem injury at birth.
In the past few weeks I have been re encountering the number 2, every day at 2:22 it seems my eyes are drawn to the clock, that has not happened since 2 years after she died, the 2 year mark, where all assume your ‘over it’ especially if you were lucky enough to have another after. I seem to stop running on the treadmill at 22mins, which ends up being 2 miles and it always says I burned about 220 calories.
Maybe I am obsessing, maybe they are sticking out because the number 2 has always been my number, I was born on the 2nd day of the 10th. Yes I share my birthday with Gandhi.

gandhi

SEVEN

Seven years of wonder;

Seven years of tears

Seven still haunts me as the date draws near

Seven is a passing that signifies change and growth

Seven is an age that you will never know

Seven is the number stuck in my head

Seven is what I dream of when I go to bed


*I wrote previously of angels numbers in this post below with more in depth information and links to how and what they are believed to be.
Thanks for reading,
Sheri

Distressed; a poem of thoughts on society

Distress

shuddering shaking shock

cries violence outrage

constantly taking stock

too little love too weak to care

too few are concerned with so much consumption

greed death lies oh how time flies

another day another tragedy another loss to add to the pile

the ever growing mound of grief of life

as the trees disappear and the waters muddy

some things come clear the motives of the businesses destroying the planet

the needs of the poor ignored through our shallow deeds of neglect and fear

we will all take our last breath but none know when

we live as though promised the pot of gold at the end

we push we pull we step on each others hands to climb the endless mountain fill its demand

our bodies shake overcome with distress but we plough onward forging through the mess

the smog filed air we breathe as thick as our goggles of ignorance

we wash away our sins with chemically treated springs

inject the fountain of youth to our foreheads and lips pretending no one notices the blip

because we cannot accept reality the demons our demise

we wash down our daily gluten free bread with overpriced fermented potatoes

praying for sleep to subside our unrest, our need to ignore reality overwhelms it gets our best

 screens sewn to our palms to engage anger enthrall

no need for eye contact no room left to fall

stay positive use a filter deny the walls we have built

lest us be reminded of our guilt

shaking subsides some see through the lies

others can breathe free without the worry for you and me

they have more than they need they were ‘blessed’ loved more perhaps

lay in our beds cover our heads put down our screen adjust to being mean

another day awaits

we all have taken the bait

 

 

 

 

 

 

I quite literally sat down after an emotional morning and let it out, so I apologize if it is darker or less positive or depressing to read.

Sometimes life is.

 

Thanks for reading,

Namaste,

Sheri

 

 

Let it go

The person you thought you could be

Let it go

The person you hoped you’d be

Let it go

Your shame is not necessary

Let it go

It isn’t real

Let it go

Why do you hold on to that wish

That view, that praise

Let it go

You are what you are

You are amazing  at what you do

You are you

Let it go what holds you

It hurts your heart when you reflect

Let it go

The remorse the regret

Leg it go

You are you; its time to grow.

 

By Sheri Hall

Lost and Found

October 18 2011

 

Where is it all coming from, can it really be simply hormones, is it uncertainty of not knowing

Is it the fear that sits at the back of my mind, guilt of sadness though happiness is all around

Where is the sunshine, the laughter and love for life, we are so lucky yet feel stuck in strife

Trapped down a whole, the dirt pouring in the dust making it harder to breathe

The thoughts of loss, where do they come from, why do I feel this way?



 

November 10 2011

 

How do I share my fear; when my biggest is looking weak

How do I say I’m sinking; when you rely on me to float

Its hard to breathe; yet I am holding my breathe

Waiting to see



 

January 5 2012

 

My life is on hold, my heart is a hole, you are not alone my sweet

My fear is for you but my tears are for me; your smile rarely seen is what I hold on to.

Your strength and will to fight is my way to flow thru life

This is not easy, love is harder but pain and illness, loss and death seem inevitable

We attempt to succeed, we succumb without need

Somehow we survive



 

June 30 2012

 

You are gone and I weep, most nights I cannot sleep

I think of you as I cry into my sleeve, my heart is broken, dreams are lost

My fears realized, faith is shattered

I don’t know how to feel anymore

Your life so short, felt like a lifetime, I wish I could hold you one last time

If only in my dreams



 

February 18 2017

 

Years fly by in a flash, five gone just like that, though they dragged in the moments

They seem vanished in the blink of an eye, my heartbeat painfully slow

Memory falters, though the thoughts never go

Your loss has taught me so much more than you know



 

June 1 2017

 

Hard or week, soft and strong, we wonder where do we belong

You look in the mirror that one odd day, the reflection however does not look the same

Where have you gone, who is this face

The lines show losses, loves, triumphs and defeat

The bags proof of hard sleep

Where has time gone that the reflection has become a stranger


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Lost thoughts suddenly found

 

Cleaning out a drawer, I found this piece of paper tucked into a book, I looked it over, not remembering haven written it, I read the short notes and their dates, it slowly, foggily comes back to me. I cannot believe I wrote these, I do not remember much of those hard months five years ago and am grateful to have scribbled thoughts at random, that I have now found and added two more recent reflections. Hence my title ‘Lost and Found’. The first and second back in 2011 was when I was pregnant with Lily, the third in 2012 was after her traumatic birth and hospitalization the fourth in 2012 after her death and fifth on the five year anniversary of her death on Feb. 18 of this year. I added the last one just as a current thought on feelings and life.

Thanks for reading.

Thoughts and comments always welcome and appreciated.

Sheri

Waiting; a poem about life

Waiting for life, waiting for tests, for scores and results

Waiting for love, waiting for loss, for recovery or the rest

Waiting for kids,  waiting for parents, friends or ‘the best’

Waiting for time to pass, when does it end

Waiting to speak, waiting to share, to post or peek

Waiting to feel, to need and be needed

Waiting till later, not till tomorrow, maybe next year

Waiting, waiting, what is our fear

Begin now, begin today, no more of this wasting away

Life is fleeting, up and down, we sit wondering around and around

 Waiting for until the time is right

Then when its gone we wonder what happened; we sit and ponder

Waiting for an answer to come

We hurry up to wait

We complain about having to wait

But wait, be sure not to rush in, ask a friend

Wait for their opinion until you decide

Wait until you can enjoy the ride

But then its gone and your standing alone

Waiting for the one to come

Times you should have shone

By Sheri Hall

Thanks for reading.

Our Hurting Hearts

The loss of touch hurts so much

My beating heart shudders; feels crushed

Beside each other but alone in the room

Silence outside; feeling gloom

Screaming inside; dreading doom

Tears flow in the dark

Wanting a tiny spark

Wishing you’d extend your hand

Though mine has been frozen in a far away land

Our hurting hearts have shifted apart

I dream to go back to the start

By Sheri Hall

A poem for all forms of the Mother

A mother

She grows you, she finds you, she adopts you; loves you

At any age you came, hers,  yours; irrelevant

The bond is formed in that moment

The arrival  different for all

Once the seed is planted she is mother

Via paper, surrogate, thought

Via birth, via death

Miscarriage, stillborn, disability

Abandonment, fostering, or a surprise

The mother was born the instant the lines formed

No matter how long no matter how far away

She remains the mother since that day

The memories of the mother now gone

Held your hand when you fell

Picked you up with a smile

Gave you shit for your mistakes

Tried to explain the breaks

Though gone now, her legacy lives on, in you

The bereaved mother

They grieve the loss that made them a mother

A painful day to remember the child grown or infant; fetus or disabled

That lived not long enough

Those that celebrate with living children and mother

The grateful ones; a happy day

The mothers to pets or nieces and nephews, cousins or siblings

What makes us a mother to someone lives in the hearts of the care we give

There are those that have lost their mother

Cancer, accident; old age

Mothers day is hard for some in different ways

Some celebrate, some remember

The love stays everyday

Thanks for reading,

Wishing all forms of mothers a peaceful  mothers day

Sheri

mothyers day all