I had a FB memories pop up from 2012 this is what I wrote…
So I made it into a meme with my artwork.
Thanks for reading.
Made my first meme with a poem I wrote 6 years ago for my daughter…
That is what I love about writing, keeping journals, diary posts etc… You can go back to exactly how you felt at a certain moment in time be it happy or sad.
Your death creates fear about futures unclear
Your loss makes us anxious; how to steer clear
Your innocence stolen; gone too soon
Broken down simply;
Death creates fear
Loss is anxiousness
Your life was stolen
The story untold while grief unfolds
Anger subsides, no answer to why
Young and trusting or foolish and rushing
Those left behind; hurt and confused
Forever staring at the invisible bruise
What makes a child turn away
Do drugs, solicit sex instead of play
Why has society drifted from truth
That an end by drugs is common for youth
The loss of a child is the worst; its true
Whether 3, 11 or at 22
The order of death is not correct
The mind scrambles to accept
Hurt and pain fill each room
With presence of a life gone too soon.
Written for Carson Crimeni a 14 year old boy who was given drugs by older kids to watch how he reacted.
His death has affected our community not only because of its circumstances but because of his age, naivety and vulnerability. And because it creates fear in us all.
I drive by the site at best 4x a day, I see the flowers, my heart pounds as my eyes swell. He is not my son but very well could be. No one knows who it could be next, no one is invincible.
Child loss is a pain no parent can heal from.
You can learn from it. You can grow from it. You can continue to live. But there is no getting over the loss of a child, regardless their age.
I hurt for his parents, for all parents who’ve lost a child to drugs, accident, illness or violence. Miscarriage, stillbirth or congenital diseases.
Death creates fear and uncertainty but moreso when its your child and you can’t understand why or how to move on, the world stops awhile.
I wrote this (above) but the picture attached below with a poem is written by an unknown author.
Thanks for reading,
Day 16 – Relationships
Relationships and Grief:
Grief from a death, loss of job, divorce, betrayal of trust, there are so many ways that can be the cause of our discomfort of our grief, as well as, secondary factors that those have led to such as anxiety, sleep problems, claustrophobia, distrust, anger.
To manage so many forced emotions due to one uncontrollable action or many unforeseen events that occurred can be daunting, exhausting, unwanted. So for many we take it our on the relationships closest to us. We yell quicker, we hurt with less care of the result, we ignore or become aggressive to them. Grief can be a major destruction to relationships. It can force us to see someone in a different light, with the new forced lens of our new reality. It can force us to appreciate different things that maybe did not matter before therefore changing how we view a relationships importance to a specific person. Relationships are very complex, that of mother/daughter, father/son and vice versa, that of our spouse or partner, our relationship with our children or nieces and nephews, aunts or uncles. All are very different from each other and can and will be impacted differently by grief.
I think the only advice is to take your alone time, time to walk independently in your own thoughts and not others opinions or judgment. Space away to help figure out emotions without feeling the need to change them for certain people which results in having us begrudge them. Everybody wants to fix you and that in itself is what causes the problem within relationships after an event that causes grief. Distance from those people can help to figure out your own boundaries and navigate each specific need towards dealing with the grief and or situation that has caused it.
An odd fact told to me and my husband after we were told if our daughter survived and lived with all her disabilities is that the divorce rate among parents with disabled kids was higher. Gee thanks? After she died, it was repeated but because of the different reason. I found it, still find it odd that people let alone a doctor would find this information useful let alone necessary. What worked for us was distance, distance from others to live and be in our sorrow without facts or statements from others. People will assume you are withdrawing but no, we need space and time to learn how to navigate on our terms for the new normal we live.
Take your time. You will need it to preserve the relationships that matter.
Thank you for reading,
Day 7 – Wisdom
Wisdom comes from growth, wisdom comes from pain over happiness, wisdom comes from knowledge and experience. Wisdom cannot come from ignorance, nor can it be born our of prejudice. Wisdom does not discriminate however those who discriminate cannot earn wisdom. Wisdom comes from acceptance. Wisdom cannot be earned with money nor rewarded with patience, wisdom comes through living in others shoes, empathetic growth teaches wisdom and a life of non judgment can bring wisdom. When we chose love over hate, our wisdom well gets filled with the many accepting pieces of history that hurt. When we chose knowledge over power we earn the wisdom of self reflection and not obedience. Wisdom can be held in a tall oak tree if you stare and imagine long enough, its view and many visitors. Wisdom is a gift not given to all nor does it come with age but with observation.
Day 8 – Support
A gentle smile
A thoughtful wave
A needed hug
A helping hand
A pat on the back
A tap on the shoulder
A meaningful look into ones eyes
A door held open
A bag helped carry
A card in the mail
A call on the phone
A walk in silence
Day 9 – Transformed
One day you wake up and jump pout of bed without noticing you didn’t struggle to get up, the day is half done before you realize how easy it was to get to this point in the day when at another time, the hours dragged for you to move, to shower, to dress, to not get back into bed. This day when it happens, comes as a surprise, when, how did you get here, this day is the beginning of your transformation. Something inside you shifted and wanted more, to keep going, to survive. It can take years before the transformation happens but have faith in yourself, you can get there. One day. You will transform. Your pain into growth will guide you. Be open.
Thanks for reading,
Writing Challenge Day 1: Sunrise
Chemicals cross the sky causing the sunrise, we feel unattainable glory at the beauty it beholds. Every Sunrise is a new beginning, a fresh start, another chance. Some yearn for it while others despise it. Those who want to go back to re-live a memory, those that cannot let go, the wounds too raw. Every new sunrise a defeat a reminder that yesterday is done. There is no way back. You have no choice but to keep moving forward, to hopefully realize you still get to see the sunrise.
Thanks for reading,
I have always had an obsession with numbers, I have also always had a hard time falling and staying asleep, so I spent many nights awake as a child counting numbers, figuring out various equations to pass the hours of the night until I eventually drifted off to sleep. It is something I still do as an adult, although not as much.
You lived 52 days- 5 + 2 = 7
Your dad and I were married on 7th day of the 7th month in 2007 after 7 years together, we have now been together for 17.
You should be turning 7 this Christmas; and we will mourn the 7th anniversary of you death next February.
What is the meaning of the number 7?
Seven years of wonder;
Seven years of tears
Seven still haunts me as the date draws near
Seven is a passing that signifies change and growth
Seven is an age that you will never know
Seven is the number stuck in my head
Seven is what I dream of when I go to bed
shuddering shaking shock
cries violence outrage
constantly taking stock
too little love too weak to care
too few are concerned with so much consumption
greed death lies oh how time flies
another day another tragedy another loss to add to the pile
the ever growing mound of grief of life
as the trees disappear and the waters muddy
some things come clear the motives of the businesses destroying the planet
the needs of the poor ignored through our shallow deeds of neglect and fear
we will all take our last breath but none know when
we live as though promised the pot of gold at the end
we push we pull we step on each others hands to climb the endless mountain fill its demand
our bodies shake overcome with distress but we plough onward forging through the mess
the smog filed air we breathe as thick as our goggles of ignorance
we wash away our sins with chemically treated springs
inject the fountain of youth to our foreheads and lips pretending no one notices the blip
because we cannot accept reality the demons our demise
we wash down our daily gluten free bread with overpriced fermented potatoes
praying for sleep to subside our unrest, our need to ignore reality overwhelms it gets our best
screens sewn to our palms to engage anger enthrall
no need for eye contact no room left to fall
stay positive use a filter deny the walls we have built
lest us be reminded of our guilt
shaking subsides some see through the lies
others can breathe free without the worry for you and me
they have more than they need they were ‘blessed’ loved more perhaps
lay in our beds cover our heads put down our screen adjust to being mean
another day awaits
we all have taken the bait
I quite literally sat down after an emotional morning and let it out, so I apologize if it is darker or less positive or depressing to read.
Sometimes life is.
Thanks for reading,