October 18 2011
Where is it all coming from, can it really be simply hormones, is it uncertainty of not knowing
Is it the fear that sits at the back of my mind, guilt of sadness though happiness is all around
Where is the sunshine, the laughter and love for life, we are so lucky yet feel stuck in strife
Trapped down a whole, the dirt pouring in the dust making it harder to breathe
The thoughts of loss, where do they come from, why do I feel this way?
November 10 2011
How do I share my fear; when my biggest is looking weak
How do I say I’m sinking; when you rely on me to float
Its hard to breathe; yet I am holding my breathe
Waiting to see
January 5 2012
My life is on hold, my heart is a hole, you are not alone my sweet
My fear is for you but my tears are for me; your smile rarely seen is what I hold on to.
Your strength and will to fight is my way to flow thru life
This is not easy, love is harder but pain and illness, loss and death seem inevitable
We attempt to succeed, we succumb without need
Somehow we survive
June 30 2012
You are gone and I weep, most nights I cannot sleep
I think of you as I cry into my sleeve, my heart is broken, dreams are lost
My fears realized, faith is shattered
I don’t know how to feel anymore
Your life so short, felt like a lifetime, I wish I could hold you one last time
If only in my dreams
February 18 2017
Years fly by in a flash, five gone just like that, though they dragged in the moments
They seem vanished in the blink of an eye, my heartbeat painfully slow
Memory falters, though the thoughts never go
Your loss has taught me so much more than you know
June 1 2017
Hard or week, soft and strong, we wonder where do we belong
You look in the mirror that one odd day, the reflection however does not look the same
Where have you gone, who is this face
The lines show losses, loves, triumphs and defeat
The bags proof of hard sleep
Where has time gone that the reflection has become a stranger
Cleaning out a drawer, I found this piece of paper tucked into a book, I looked it over, not remembering haven written it, I read the short notes and their dates, it slowly, foggily comes back to me. I cannot believe I wrote these, I do not remember much of those hard months five years ago and am grateful to have scribbled thoughts at random, that I have now found and added two more recent reflections. Hence my title ‘Lost and Found’. The first and second back in 2011 was when I was pregnant with Lily, the third in 2012 was after her traumatic birth and hospitalization the fourth in 2012 after her death and fifth on the five year anniversary of her death on Feb. 18 of this year. I added the last one just as a current thought on feelings and life.
Thanks for reading.
Thoughts and comments always welcome and appreciated.