Capture your Grief in 18 days

February 1 2017

In 17 days on the 18th of February it will be 5 years since my daughter Lily died unexpectedly in my arms, I say unexpectedly not because we did not know something was wrong but we were so surprised at what we were suddenly going through and although we learned of many complications in her tiny body that made it impossible for her to live, we learned those in the matter of a week, the last week of her life, after many scans and x rays, until that point we had a healthy pregnancy followed by a traumatic delivery that was to leave her with a disability, the seriousness of it to be determined as she grew. But she did not grow, she died. She died after they told us she would never breathe on her own, after they told us she needed a tracheotomy and 3 heart surgeries but was not nearly healthy enough to survive 1 surgery  let alone 4 and so we allowed them to remove her breathing tube and she died in our arms. I remember that day like a dream. I held her so tight praying for her to breathe on her own, I remember not wanting to look at her in case her face was blue; not wanting that to be my last memory of her. I remember walking down an incredibly loud hallway that was filled with silence, back to our car, not to return to that hospital for a year but that time to see her memorial tile that now sits outside the NICU. Numb with the shock of what just happened.

So in honor of the 5th year of her lost life I will be writing my grief in poem or short story form with Carly Marie’s Capture your Grief as a guideline ( photo below).

I will post them like the poem writing challenge of December, in groups of 3, although feeling overwhelmed today I may just be able to do 1. -Sunrise

Thank you for reading,

I hope you enjoy and implore you to write for yourself, to heal yourself, to help understand your grief or life changes that leave us feeling lost and confused.

Namaste,

Sheri

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Sunrise

The dawn of a new day

The first light seeps in

the thoughts come rushing back

the ones that kept me awake

praying for morning to come quickly

The memory of the previous week

was it all a dream

can I disappear into the sunset

and return with you in the sunrise

I wish I did not have to open my eyes

I sat for hours on a bench

 watching the sun come over the tree tops

 wondering where you have gone

dreaming you were watching this morning sky with me

But alas there will be many more without you

The beauty of them has not left me blind

so I assume I will be okay

the words it paints across the sky

fill my heart with hope

that tomorrows’ sunrise

I will be fine in time

By Sheri Hall

 

 

 

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Living in a Well

 

You look up, you see a small circle of light- no it is not ‘Gods light’ but it is the way out. It is seemingly far away but closer than you think. It is very small; sometimes non existent, sometimes you cannot see it because you don’t want to look up; you can not lift your head. You look around you; at the cold, hard, stone walls that surround you, most feel claustrophobic but not you, you revel in your small, dark enclosure. Here, is where you can be you. Here, is where you can feel sad, look sad, be sad, without those around you being uncomfortable. The ones that see you down there might stop and yell. “Are you ok?” Or “how are you?” But they usually don’t want to hear the answer; so you tell them what they want to hear – ‘I’m ok’ or I’m fine’ and they go on their way. Some bring you flowers to place nicely in a circle around your well, this cheers them up, this makes them feel like they are being sympathetic or show they care. Why flowers though? Is it my birthday? Are we celebrating something. I am not. They look nice though and now when you walk by my well, with me hiding in the bottom, curled in a ball, not wanting to look up. You do not feel so sad, when you see my well because you see all the beautiful flowers people have placed there; look how many people care. That makes them feel better; those flowers do not cheer me up, I am not celebrating my childs death because when the flowers die  I must throw them away, it is a task I cannot, nor want to do.

I look around at my hole that I feel thrown down, it is a cold and heartless place but I have come to love it and I do not want to climb out, not yet. Here I am comforted by my pain, here I am not pretending. Here I am me.

No one wants to go down a well; it is essentially a long black tunnel to nowhere which you may not be able to get out of. But when you lose a child, or a spouse, any loss of any kind. You fall. When you hold a person in your arms as they die, you start to slide down that well, it is not your choice and at some point when you wake up; after the funeral and after the visits stop. When others people crying that you have to console them stops. After you wake up and realize what has happened, it may be weeks, months or days, but it hits you like a brick, you are stuck at the bottom of this deep dark well. It echoes your cries, as well as your tears that fall to the cement floor like bombs. You re live the most painful of memories down there and you want everyone to stay out. Let you alone. This is not usually a problem since no one really wants to join you down in the well, no one wants to see that pain, and no one wants to watch you hurt because they cannot help. People tend to look at grief and tragedy as though – What if that happened to me?and that is usually why they are inconsolable for a moment when you first see them after a tragedy, they are not thinking of you or your pain.

They want to cheer you up, as if that will make it better, they want to cook for you, which is very nice, but hard when you do not taste anything let alone want to eat. You shove the food in your freezer, you say thank you, they feel better and go about their day. You go back down the well and sit there. It’s nice down here. You can cry.

People say things like :  “I didn’t want to upset you” – as though not mentioning it means you are not thinking about it. I have come to realize this society does not cope well with death or loss. Everyone wants to acknowledge it once and then for it to go away, some do not say anything at all to pretend like nothing happened, those are the selfish people. I have seen how I have become invisible to some, it is as though they cannot see me anymore or perhaps they don’t want to see me. Because I remind them of tragedy. They do not want to think about what happened to me.

Some people think negativity breeds negativity- that could not be farther from the truth. Yes negative people are not fun to be around, but ‘negative’ or more accurately -a tragedy is not caused by anything. It is life. Life is full of suffering, we all suffer at different times in life and how we deal with other people suffering really shows our true character. Some use the excuse ‘well I don’t know what to say?’ Sometimes just saying ‘I’m sorry’ is all that is necessary. The best is to ask a person that is grieving about the person that died, because they do want to talk about them, and they want you not to feel uncomfortable when they are being sad- because it is ok to be sad. But unfortunately we live in a world that prefers fake realities and big smiles over having to deal with or accept our feelings and hurts. So we simply do not talk about it. We do not acknowledge it. We cheer you up and bring you flowers. And that is why I –even though I did not choose to dwell in a well, I did not chose to have to hold my dying daughter, I do prefer my solitary hole than walking around in this fake world, with fake smiles where the realization of life and death is taboo. If we were able to grieve without being concerned of making others uncomfortable with our sadness then maybe we would not feel like we are stuck in the bottom of a well, but for now, for me I am ok in my well and one day I will climb out and face the world. That day when I walk past someone else stuck in a well I will join them, and help them cry because it is ok to be sad.