Its not about me…

‘His sister died when he was 6’ I recently had to explain to the principal of my older son at school in regards to an issue about behavior and something that had occurred between him and another boy. The call went silent, no I didn’t know that…

‘Its his sister, who died 2  years ago’ I explained to my other sons kindergarten teacher after he asked about a drawing my younger son had drawn that included his sister and that he couldn’t explain to the teacher, who thought he was seeing ghosts or had an imaginary friend, it came from a concerned place I believe…

‘He lost his little sister in kindergarten’ which can explain why he is a quieter kid I said to the vice principal when asked about any issues they should know about as he was starting a new school for grade 3…

Not to forget the mass emails I had to send out to coaches and current teachers(at the time), their friends parents about my boys losing their sister back in 2012, when they were only 4 and 6. How I had to explain typing through my own hand soaked tears about what happened and to please be easy with my children in these difficult times and upcoming days and weeks…

How every time I had to mention it, include it or divulge this piece of my broken heart, I always did so with their best interest in mind, in hopes that gentler gloves could deal with them if issues arose, hadn’t they been through enough? ‘Losing’ their parents right after Christmas when they went to the hospital to have their little sister not to return for days then for the next 51 days being driven around by neighbors and friends parents as their own parents were suddenly gone at the hospital all the time. Our house became quiet those dark weeks that turned into months, our children had gone from happy innocent children, to those that not only lost their baby sister but the parents they knew forever, because we were never the same again. I wanted people to understand my kids didn’t need to suffer anymore. It wasn’t about me.

So I shared and it made people uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to be around me but its not about me…

Every time I had to fill out a form asking for any necessary reasons for concerns the pen hovered, do I mention their loss? do I say they may say her name, do I recall painful details? Does it matter to them? or this situation? I did get to a point years later where I stopped filling it out, thinking time enough had passed I didn’t need to, until a couple weeks ago I go a call that my son was in trouble at school. We talked briefly, my son had apparently jokingly said he was going to kill someone, in his defense his young, undeveloped brain of 13 did not understand that saying this is equal to saying you have a bomb on a plane in today’s world, especially with school shootings and such, but lesson learned he will never speak like that again, joking or not…

This boy in particular had recently lost a family member and was feeling a bit touchy, and was acting out at school, when prompted he said what my son had said to him which set off a firestorm of ‘rules’ that needed to be followed. Long story shortened the 4th call with the principal, I felt the need to tell him about how my son had lost his sister when he was 6, he had gotten into trouble in kindergarten because of his grief and anger at school and people did not tell me about it, it was shielded from me so to speak. when I found out I was so upset, upset I could have been there for my little boy, upset at having that teachable moment taken from me, that even in our own pain we do not physically fight with others, that if he felt a certain way all he had to do was call me or ask the teacher to call me and I would have been there. I didn’t say this to the principal but what I explained was that my sons never been in trouble, not since this incident in kindergarten and now 6 years later, he is in grade 7 and was crying as the school (police) liaison officer spoke to him about his “threat” I was not there. I see I have made the principal uncomfortable, because since this incident when I see him in the hallways it is different, as it was back then after someone found out…

The time I had to explain my middle sons drawings to his kindergarten teacher, the same thing happened, he looked at me with pity, as soon as I mentioned he lost his sister he said but stopped himself mid way ‘so you lost a’… I kept talking about my son, it was not about me…

Or the time my oldest was in grade one, so the same year she died, his teacher at the 1st parent teacher interview, says to me so I know about lily, I said oh? she says H(my son) talks about her a lot, I explain we/he goes to group therapy at Canucks Children Hospice and is encouraged to talk about her, she says its OK but that he seems tired a lot. Yeah, me too I thought. Grief is tiring, but it wasn’t about me…

Or the time when my oldest was in grade 4 and wrote this on his jump rope for heart heart…

Hayden gr 4

Or 2 weeks ago when I dropped off my middle sons violin, who was 4, in preschool when his sister died and is in grade 5 now, I found this on his desk…

** Every year elementary schools in Canada participate in the Jump rope for heart campaign.

logan gr 5

 

So as I have said, felt, voiced since 2012, yes my heart broke when I lost my daughter, my third child but my heart broke even more witnessing what my sons went through, still learn to grow through. So no, its not about me…

Thanks for reading.

Sheri

Dimes

 

I keep a corner outside my daughter’s room, it was my first daughter’s and is now my seconds.

20190410_142715.jpg

 

Beside it to the right is, was her bedroom and to the left is the laundry room.

 

20190410_142554_HDR.jpg

 

I have been having a harder time lately.

I stop and light her candle as I do often, kiss my fingers to her photo and proceed to finish the laundry.

Where I immediately find this.

20190410_143604-COLLAGE.jpg

A dime.

Now it is not the first but this one came at a time I truly needed.

I have found one on the floor in my closet, on the ground outside my car door, on a walk.

Why dimes? Why not quarters or nickels and some will say, like in the post I share below that finding coins period is a sign from above and others believe it is specifically dimes that we receive from ones we lost.

What do you think? Has it happened to you?

Thanks for reading.

Sheri

https://www.ask-angels.com/spiritual-guidance/finding-dimes-pennies-from-heaven/

 

https://www.auntyflo.com/Superstition-dictionary/finding-dimes

 

https://passingthru.com/finding-dimes/

 

 

When I have too much feels…

20190213_182207.jpg

When I have to much feels I hide. Not literally but behind a fake smile or rushed avoidance.

I have noticed something about myself this month and that is that when I am feeling overwhelmed with strong emotions or a little depressed at life, I become fake in my interactions with everyday encounters. I noticed I made random jokes that I laughed at myself when talking to others, I smiled and wanted to appear happy and ok.

Tomorrow will be 7 years since my daughter died. Yesterday was 2 years since my Nonno joined my Nonna who died right after my daughter 7 years ago. My best childhood memories are with them, at their home. So every February is emotional for me, when I am alone. A part of me knows people know and wonders if they get annoyed with my grief, maybe that’s why I hide it, it’s been so long, to them.

So I cry alot in private or in my car. I light candles, go for long quiet walks. And run to and from my car to hide when there are people around that I know. I exercise too much, I eat and drink too much. I try to make others laugh. But the rest of the year (except December) I noticed I am more comfortable being the real me maybe because it’s not directly associated with personal deaths. People can’t say ‘ oh she’s like that cause her daughter died in February. I’m just like this…except in February.

Wierd huh?

So when I am feeling ok about life and comfortable with the existence of my grief, I am much more real and willing to open up to someone in an honest way.

O-well.

Thanks for reading,

Sheri

 

Capture your Grief 2018 : SUNSET

Day 31; Sunset

I took and wrote this back in 2012 during the epitimal raw first year of my grief for the death of my third born child, my first daughter. Lily Hall. Dec 30 2011- Feb 18 2012

I have edited the poem below to how I feel I prefer the end.

Sunset is the last of the days in the Capture your Grief Writing challenge, it makes sense, a sunset, the day is saying goodnight to world through the reflection of the sky.

Good night.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

Sheri

 

 

osoyoos 059

SUNSET

In awe of the sunset that reflects off the water

In sadness of the heart that reflects of you

In love with the beauty of you

Sheri Hall

Capture Your Grief 2018

Day 23; Mortality

NOUN

  1. the state of being subject to death.
    “the work is increasingly haunted by thoughts of mortality”
    antonyms:
  2. death, especially on a large scale.
    “the causes of mortality among infants and young children”
    synonyms:
    death · loss of life · dying

 

Day 24; Courage

What forms our courage? Is it our mothers encouraging hand, fathers stern insistence. Is it our ability to bear witness to tragedy and overcome the trauma. Do we learn courage through our mistakes or maybe because of our successes. Being courageous can mean standing up for someone when no one else is but it can also mean getting out of bed to face the day when you want to hide. We are all courageous at many times throughout the day we simply need to notice our own bravery at perhaps not always doing the easy thing but the right thing.

 

Day 25; Who

WHO

Who decides what lives and what dies

How does he or she who decides live with the consequences of their decisions

Who is rightful to grieve and who determines whose loss it really is

When do we know what to say, how to say, who to say it to

Who is the owner of your grief?

Is it the departed or the remaining

Who should we fear; is it who decides who lives or dies

 

Day 26; Beauty

The beauty held in your dark eyes, the long vast endless corridor of dark; the unknown The beauty of the unknown. The beauty revealed in the tiny smirk that you rarely showed and preciously received. The beauty behind your legacy. The lives you left behind forever changed because of the few beautiful moments with you.

IMG-20120131-00056

 

 

Day 27; Memory

A sound, a scent, a photograph. A movie, novel or painting. A memory held in a frame at the back of our brains waiting to be remembered at the drop of hat. A memory tucked away inside our heart only to be revealed at long last of searching the soul  in hopes for it be re lived. Wanting desperately to be remembered, it comes at long last in a dream or a flicker of a deja-vu rekindling a past thought, triggering that memory to the fore front. The brain holds our memories in a staggering way, we tend to remember the really bad or the extremely exciting, the unforgettable moments that are happy and sad, that have shaped our being. We tend to forget the every day even though we do that more often, we forget the repetitiveness and remember the tragic and the magic, making our memories all that much more unique to how our brain perceived a moment in time for us.

 

Thanks for reading,

Sheri

 

42872978_10160515421105538_6338006586425868288_o

Capture your Grief; Wisdom/Support/Transformed

Day 7 – Wisdom

Wisdom comes from growth, wisdom comes from pain over happiness, wisdom comes from knowledge and experience. Wisdom cannot come from ignorance, nor can it be born our of prejudice. Wisdom does not discriminate however those who discriminate cannot earn wisdom.  Wisdom comes from acceptance. Wisdom cannot be earned with money nor rewarded with patience, wisdom comes through living in others shoes, empathetic growth teaches wisdom and a life of non judgment  can bring wisdom. When we chose love over hate, our wisdom well gets filled with the many accepting pieces of history that hurt. When we chose knowledge over power we earn the wisdom of self reflection and not obedience. Wisdom can be held in a tall oak tree if you stare and imagine long enough, its view and many visitors. Wisdom is a gift not given to all nor does it come with age but with observation.

 

Day 8 – Support

A gentle smile

A thoughtful wave

A needed hug

A helping hand

A pat on the back

A tap on the shoulder

A meaningful look into ones eyes

A door held open

A bag  helped carry

A card in the mail

A call on the phone

A walk in silence

 

Day 9 – Transformed

One day you wake up and jump pout of bed without noticing you didn’t struggle to get up, the day is half done before you realize how easy it was to get to this point in the day when at another time, the hours dragged for you to move, to shower, to dress, to not get back into bed. This day when it happens, comes as a surprise, when, how did you get here, this day is the beginning of your transformation. Something inside you shifted and wanted more, to keep going, to survive. It can take years before the transformation happens but have faith in yourself, you can get there. One day. You will transform. Your pain into growth will guide you. Be open.

 

Thanks for reading,

Sheri

42872978_10160515421105538_6338006586425868288_o

Capture your Grief; Today/Rituals/Healing

Day 4 – Today

Today I hurt from yesterdays loss, the light fades but is never gone. My grief sits a top my shelf, a glow surrounding the memory of you. It stares down at me every day, wondering if I will pick it up to hold, or ignore and pretend it is not there. Today will I smile and laugh  or sit and cry. What will be the trigger today, an ambulance, a song, a news story. The many ways to be reminded of you are endless. A picture, a memory, a drifting thought. The painful, unstoppable passage of time has made today more bearable but not erased and never forgotten. Today may be easier than yesterday but everyday is a gentle reminder that you are not here.

 

Day 5 – Rituals

Light a candle

Say a prayer

Leave the hurt in a chair

Dry your eyes with her coat

The painful memories drift afloat

Through the house your presence haunts

Todays essence of yesterdays loss

The veil we wear like a sheaf

Never gone as some believe

These are the rituals

Of  child loss grief

 

 

Day 6 – Healing

Healing is an odd word, to be healed of mind is to let go, to be healed of body can mean death; no longer in pain or medical intervention that is a success; healing a wound, these two extreme opposites. Heal your heart, heal your soul, many ways we hope to find comfort in healing. Hoping to heal a friendship or a mistake, heal a hurt we may have made. Yes, healing is an odd enigma that we all search for at some point.

May you find what heals you. I have found writing has helped to heal me.

 

Thanks for reading,

Sheri

 

 

42872978_10160515421105538_6338006586425868288_o

Capture your Grief; Purpose & Essence

 

 

Day 2 Purpose:

What is our purpose here on earth? A question we all ponder and struggle with a many moments in life. As a child we believe our purpose is to play, if we are lucky. As a teenager we believe we are entitled to all we want and though our purpose is to learn and manage our ever changing bodies and minds. As a young adult, we may begin to question our purpose, the things we have been told and taught until now. The real world may be telling us something different, our purpose to understand it all as it unravels. As an adult, I believe our purpose changes multiple times throughout our lives, our years, our weeks even. When a stressful event unfolds that we cannot control, job loss, a break up or divorce, death of a parent, sibling or child or pet. All that we have learned or understood until that point gets thrown out the window, the many facets of grief that these grand changes bring to our lives cause us to re think our purpose, to change our path, our onward trajectory. What is our purpose, I think for every single human it is different but for all we do have some common purposes. To help each other out, to raise up those below. To be kind, to love.  I tell my kids often to help not to hurt. That I believe is a main purpose of human kind. But I only came to that point of view through years of hurt, so I suppose it is all relative to our own personal growth; our purpose.

 

Day 3 Essence:

The essence of being, a state of mind and thought of one self or character. A descriptive term to which how one feels toward something, a feature or quality of a solid or spiritual piece. In essence, I feel like her death taught me so much but in reality it was the pain of losing her that opened my eyes to what I could not see before. The reality that is life. In essence a young naïve mind is protected from the truth until it ventures out and gets hurt or betrayed. In essence they appear to care but their actions say otherwise.

es·sence
noun: essence
  1. the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, that determines its character.
    • Philosophy
      a property or group of properties of something without which it would not exist or be what it is.
    • an extract or concentrate obtained from a particular plant or other matter and used for flavoring or scent.
    synonyms: quintessence, soul, spirit, nature; core, heart, crux, nucleus, substance; principle, fundamental quality, sum and substance, warp and woof, reality, actuality;
    Thank you for Reading,

     

    Sheri

42872978_10160515421105538_6338006586425868288_o

Capture you Grief

42872978_10160515421105538_6338006586425868288_o

 

Writing Challenge Day 1: Sunrise

My Sunrise

Chemicals cross the sky causing the sunrise, we feel unattainable glory at the beauty it beholds. Every Sunrise is a new beginning, a fresh start, another chance. Some yearn for it while others despise it. Those who want to go back to re-live a memory, those that cannot let go, the wounds too raw. Every new sunrise a defeat a reminder that yesterday is done. There is no way back. You have no choice but to keep moving forward, to hopefully realize you still get to see the sunrise.

 

Thanks for reading,

Namaste,

Sheri

Lost in Life

Do you ever feel stuck? lost? confused at how you got here?

We go through the motions, awake, pee, drink coffee, begin daily mind-numbing tasks that incessantly nag at us to be completed. Take out the garbage, empty the compost, fill and unload the dishwasher, turn on the dryer, wipe the counters, lock the door and off to work, errands, kids obligations.

Some days you wonder how you made it this far, to this day of this month. Did you forget anything this week? today? Probably but you wont remember until you are trying to fall asleep later.

That voice irritates your brain, the one asking you what you are doing, the one that demands action but your heavy bones refuse to allow the motions needed to complete the tasks you think you need to do.

When someone we love, admire, cherish, take care of dies, we pass a peace of our heart to the other side. What comes back is like a stone in its place, a cold hard heavy stone. But the weight of the world is not only in death but in life. What we view around us, what we forgive or allow. Who we help or don’t. How do we keep going when it all becomes mundane.

A favorite saying of mine , don’t let the world make you cold, don’t let the pain steal your light,  or something… here’s the real one…

407fca5b1f34eeb95a5b1f20253f99b3

I cant focus my thoughts, I cant focus my energy, I haven’t felt so un motivated since my days stuck in raw grief. when the zombie like state of my brain and body just got me from day to day without the realization of what I was doing. Am I depressed? maybe, am I bored with life? yes. What we do day after day is how we live our lives right? so if its spent doing the same monotonous tasks what are we really doing? Are we even living?

What is the purpose,

the point of it all?

I try to remind myself we are here to help others.

To do good. To keep going.

So, I will continue.

Thanks for reading

Sheri