It is ok to be sad

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I feel you rolling your eyes, as I hit post. Another grief post you think! Your pain is no longer because it wasn’t your child you lost, it was mine, so you did feel sad for a bit after, you don’t understand how or why I am still grieving or posting sad stuff about grief. I get it its not your loss, you don’t feel it every day like I do and you don’t want to remember it  as much as I do. You might think I am bitter or want sympathy, I don’t. Just know that my heart hurts when I glance at the spot on the floor where she stopped breathing, that I have trouble thinking of moving because this is where she lived for 2 short weeks. Every time I hear a story of tragedy or a life lost I cry for her. Am I stuck? no I am human. I am a mother that gave birth to a beautiful baby that struggled to live, to breathe, that spent 5 weeks in the NICU, not sleeping, not feeling and slowly breaking. That was almost four years ago I know, you think I must have moved past this pain, I have another little girl right. She is my savior, yes. but also my daily reminder of my first little girl that is not here. Would they be best friends? or Would they fight a lot?  I wonder. And yes that too makes me sad. Immediate grief after a tragedy is overwhelming, its consuming and then time takes it away, little by little the intense memories fade and it is easier to ‘pretend’ life is what it is.

Today is October 15th- International Awareness of Stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss

A day that makes me sad but grateful to have met and to be a part of a community of women, amazing women, that too have suffered a loss, something that is not openly spoken about but should be, something that people are uncomfortable to bring up, leaving the person(s) that suffered the loss alone. Why are we told not to share a pregnancy until 3 months? in case you lose the baby right, we don’t need to upset people like that! but then we suffer alone with our loss. Not right. After I lost my daughter, after she was born at full term, after she was given a birth certificate because she lived past 21 days (the time the government thinks your baby needs to live to be considered a human!) even though we all know as soon as we see that pink or blue line we have a child in our life, whether they live past 21 days or not, to be deemed a person! Different issue, I move on. The stigma that surrounds uncomfortable feelings needs to stop. People need compassion not shame. I don’t know how to change the world into thinking its ok to be sad, we do not need to ‘pretend’ to be happy all the time. As Buddha says ‘Life is suffering’ I believe we have pockets of happy moments or happy feelings but if you truly look at the world and live true, you see that it is about surviving, surviving tragedy around us, surviving, genocide, rape, famine , disease, homelessness, joblessness, then death. Acknowledging life’s struggles does not make us ‘negative’ it makes us real and if you let yourself feel the sad you will better be able to appreciate the happy.

After I lost my daughter, so many women came up to me and told me about their losses, a women lost her son when he was 21, another suffered multiple miscarriages’ but never told anyone, so many stories, so many women that suffered alone because society made them feel like they had to hide their shame because it wasn’t ‘happy news’ I call bollocks! I will continue to share my grief and encourage others to share because we are here for such a short time, all we have is each other. To help, to love, to pick each other up and hug.

Namaste

Thanks for reading.

Sheri

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Moments

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 Today I want to take a moment to have special moments, with myself, my kids – individually and with my husband. It feels like with the pressure of societies view that ‘we are all perfect and deserve it all attitude’  life in todays world gets  easily carried away. It becomes a spinning tilt a whirl that you cannot stop, you keep getting dizzy as you pull on the spinner harder to go even faster.

When my kids were babies I relished in the daily moments of laying on the bed making them giggle, we had no soccer to race to, piano to practice, homework to do, gourmet dinners to cook, burn and force kids to eat because at least they have food on the table! I miss the long, slow walks holding their hand stopping to stare at every fallen leaf or magical snail that crawled along.

Life moves fast and as our kids get older it is in a nonstop fast forward motion that makes me sick. I know I will wake up one day in a quiet (clean) house. It terrifies me every night as I will myself to sleep because the kids will be up in 7, 6, 5! Hours. Have I done enough? Have I taught them right from wrong? Have I given them the tools to succeed, to help others, to never give up?

It is so hard to live in the moment when there is so much to be done. But today I will try just a little harder to let the little things go, to make the important things around me smile and to know that one day it will end.

My 3rd child, my 1rst daughter died 43 months ago today  (Feb.18.2012) her death caused us to stop and think, why? why her , why us, why is the world so disturbing in its greed and lust, why cant we stop time or why would we want to…..

You are born and at some point hopefully much later you die. All you have is this moment, to love, to laugh, to live (probably why this picture is so popular as we need to be reminded daily)

Enjoy your moments,  Live, Laugh, Love.

Namaste.

Thanks for reading, Sheri.

 

 

 

 

 

Fear- Why?

What is fear?

 

Fear-verb \ˈfir\

: To be afraid of (something or someone)

: To expect or worry about (something bad or unpleasant)

: To be afraid and worried

 

Why do we fear the unknown?

Why do we fear change?

Why do we fear our differences?

To some fear strangles them to motionlessness; to others the push gives momentum.

As simply put as possible:

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

We fear death, we fear life, we fear truth, we fear consequence and it all is a waste of time.

Some put their trust in faith and are perfectly happy with that, but what when you do not have faith, you have lost hope, you are afraid of everything because of the endless supply of ‘bad’ things that happen in your life? Perhaps had you not been afraid and chosen a different path it may have gone differently? Perhaps you took the easy path and ended up feeling ‘punished’? Perhaps the path you took was the one you simply followed blindly and ended up suffering but it was your path to take in order to see things differently in the world.

As I have said before, life is suffering- accept it. Fear is only in your mind. I tell my kids all the time- ‘there is nothing, nothing to be afraid of’ because there is no point in being afraid, it is a waste of your time and in life time is precious. Usually if you assume the worst but hope for the best you should always be happy for just having done.

Always do what you are afraid to do.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

When you see death first hand, you see life being ripped away unfairly, when you understand suffering throughout the world around you, you feel compassion (mixed with sorrow and grief) but compassion, as well as and hopefully empathy or a want to help or heal.

When you can see there is nothing to fear; then you can just live. When thinking not of you but of others and not of their opinion but of their wellbeing you can help and appreciate.  When is better than being afraid? When we are not.

 

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.

Dorothy Thompson

 

We fear of embarrassing someone so we don’t tell them they have something on their face

We fear of hurting someone so we lie to cover the truth

We fear of losing someone so we fake to keep them happy

We fear of trying for what if we succeed and have to change our ways

We fear of failure so why try in the first place

We fear ourselves so we copy stereotypes

We fear the truth so we hide

We fear uncomfortable-ness so we smile and say were fine

 

People do not like my honesty, I have been labeled mean, quiet, bitchy, and negative but I am simply honest. I choose to not hide behind the fakeness society has created for us.

I have different words for the few mentioned above:

Mean=honest (the truth sometimes hurts)

Quiet=reserved (If I have nothing nice to say I will keep quiet or walk away)

Bitchy= straight forward or blunt

Negative= real (being fake and happy all the time regardless of reality is not being positive its being fake)

I’m see myself as a realist not negative, I try to look for the silver lining but I also understand that life is better when we appreciate the little things, my kids getting dressed without me asking them 10x, or eating their whole meal without a fuss, or going to bed easily and I get some me time. Or running and screaming outside with them and it doesn’t end with someone crying because they hurt themselves that’s nice too.

I tell my kids nothing is free, nothing is fair and everything is hard but their is also nothing to be afraid of either. You have to learn, to work and what life throws at you to keep going. Then keep learning and keep working because that is life but always remember to try to enjoy today any part of it because you’ll never get it back. Am I too forward, honest or real with my kids or too “negative” too “mean” some thinks so and as I also tell my children everyone is entitled to their own opinion, as am I and they. I choose honesty. I choose to respect my kids growing brains and allow them to digest the truth. Hopefully they will understand hard work, accept death, work through frustration and live in reality.

 

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.

Thomas Jefferson