My confusing thoughts almost a year after having a very traumatic birth and living through the death of my baby girl.

December 3rd 2012

Lily would almost be turning one –had she lived.

Last year this time I was very pregnant wondering when she would come out. I look back and realize that I knew something was very wrong even before she was born. I cried every day before she came, I was so scared to give birth. Why? I had done it with no problems two times before like a champ. So why was I so terrified to do it this time? I remember crying in my bathroom, just terrified of what was about to happen, and people asked- what are you afraid of?

I thought it over and over and all I could come up with was I don’t know? The sleepless nights that waited? Was it the fact that I would have three kids and didn’t know if I could handle it? I don’t think so? I was incredibly strong, nothing scared me. I lived on my own since I was eighteen, ultimately no parental guidance since I was twelve. I started working at fifteen, having to drop out of school, taking the bus to work everyday because I had to pay  rent for the  bedroom I rented from a stranger. I returned to get my GED on my own accord at twenty two. Then became the manager at my job at twenty four and when I became pregnant for the first time at twenty five I took it as the next challenge in my life.

So why at thirty one, having mastered being a stay at home for the last 6 years was I so petrified of giving birth to my third child? Why was I so afraid?

My counselor says on another level I was already grieving her death, I already knew she would die and its funny- not haha funny but odd funny that as soon as she said it I knew she was right. It explained so much, why I was depressed, why I was anxious, why the next months to follow I was a zombie doing what needed to be done but feeling nothing.

After Lily died I was mixed with relief and guilt. Relief that she needn’t suffer, relief that I wouldn’t have to take care of a very handicapped child for the next twenty years- yes that is/was a horrible feeling but I felt it. I felt guilt that I didn’t stay more every day at the hospital that I didn’t hold her more when she was home, that I couldn’t grow a healthy “viable” baby for a third time.

I was and am and will always be sorry to Lily for what she went through. In a way I know I do not have the power to control or make these things happen but on the other I was her mother.

I was supposed to protect her.

I couldn’t.

I didn’t.

She is gone.

 

 

December 25th 2012

As a family we have endured a very tough, trying year. Even though we have managed to find times of hope and joy together, the loss of our daughter/sister Lily has always been at the forefront of our minds. We want to say thank you to all the people far and near and some whom I have not seen for a decade for your support and kind words.

Showing compassion, offering love and to be able to share our sorrow has been healing. We have learnt a great deal about our own strength and weakness as well as the meaning of family and being there for one another.

The trauma of Lily’s death will sit with us forever, as it has changed who we are forever, she will always be a part of our family though not physically present. As we anticipate the arrival of our fourth child this spring we are nervously excited and cautiously happy.

We no longer live in a world of false positivity, naively assuming nothing could ever go wrong. With loss and grief brings the realization of honesty and truth but mostly it brings to us reality. In reality horrible things happen weekly, daily, hourly, in reality no one is spared, in reality we only need to survive.

At a time in the world when greed and selfishness have overpowered kindness and empathy we are brought back to what should be the honest truth of this world- to love each other, to take care of each other, to be kind to one another, to share.

To share our lives, our loves, our joy and our sorrow. Pretending that everything is wonderful all the time you are walking around blind, that being said it is more than wonderful to have moments of great and to appreciate them all. Out of sorrow comes gratitude, out of suffering comes strength and out of love comes honesty.

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why

Then as I started my journey in writing about my grief I found this poem I wrote right around the time I was most depressed and pregnant with my child that later died.

 

(Written -Sept 30 2011)

The attention I need is lacking

The love I crave is invisible

Simple words are ignored

Loneliness is vast.

The attention I desire goes un-answered

My love for you turns bitter

I can’t explain, how it’s not enough, to just love

Emptiness grows, as words are forgotten.

The attention I want, ignored

Our love, bickered to death

So simple, is the answer, yet so hard to speak?

Everything that once was gold is now ash.

My eyes are now sullen

My heart has sunk

The world is unforgiving, with every thought de-bunked

Hope fades, the path is clear, but wanting what was never does steer.

Life has unanswered questions

Paths that lead us are unclear

Love is not always easy or forgiving

 No attempt is a life left with regret