A better me because of you

We all have bucket lists of some form or another, learn to cook, run a marathon, travel etc. I always had things in the back of my head that I wanted to do, but just like the garden  I always wanted and never grew until after losing her. I never did those others things either, but suddenly I had to occupy my mind and body so I did them.

Canuck Place Adventure Race 10k, Run for water 5k, BCCH Child Run 1k and 5k, Tough Mudder16k, Vancouver Sun Run 10k

Canuck Place Adventure Race 10k, Run for water 5k, BCCH Child Run 1k and 5k, Tough Mudder16k, Vancouver Sun Run 10k

These are the races I ran over the last 3 years since her passing I have raised over $15,000. for BC Childrens Hospital and Canucks Place Childrens Hospice. I feel proud of her for encouraging me to do the things I always secretly wanted to. I’ve adopted a street I maintain in her honor and I donate blood 3x/year for her. She has made me a better person. The loss of her has taught me that life is precious, life is short and what you do should be meaningful, if only to you.

Lily’s Tree

Lily's Tree

When I was 6 months pregnant with Lily I had an urge to plant a new tree in my yard, my thought was to watch it, and her grow together, I would always know how long the tree was there because it would be the same age as her. I chose a beautiful red Japanese maple tree. I planted right in my front yard; it greets me every time I pull in the driveway.

After lily died, it was hard to look at my tree and not think of her, her name pops into my head when I see the tree; Lily’s tree.

1 dwarf cherry tree, 1 plum tree, 1 apple tree, 1 azalea, 1 lavender bush, 2 rose bushes, 3 blueberry bushes, 4 strawberry bushes, 10 hedge trees, , multiple vegetables yearly in my vegetable garden.

I became obsessed with wanting to grow things, walking in nature; I spent many hours outside staring at tree tops and crying. I told my husband I wanted to build a garden box, I had always wanted to plant and grow things and since I didn’t have a baby taking up my time why not now. The first thing I planted in my garden was Lilies of course and they come back to greet me each July.

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Thank you my angel.

Thanks for reading.

Namaste

 

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3 years.

My daughter Lily was born still.

That’s what would have been my statement had we waited any longer. She was born blue and was resuscitated; because of her beginning without oxygen she suffered brain stem damage, she was frozen for 3 days to help heal her brain damage, the first time I held my baby girl she was 4 days old. But she was alive so I was grateful.

Weeks passed with so many tests, all with a negative conclusion and after having a feeding tube surgically placed into her gastro intestine we were able to take her home. What gets me is that even though they did 3 MRI’s and multiple other scans, they missed what would eventually kill her. That was her trachea. They were so close too, they found the holes in her heart, they found the valve that pumped the wrong way, all of these would need surgeries to be fixed but she needed to be bigger and stronger to endure them, had they looked an inch higher they would have seen her abnormal trachea.

The night Lily stopped breathing and I performed CPR on her plays out as a nightmare in my memory, for the longest time I wanted to move because every time I looked at that spot on the  floor where she lay, my heart stopped, but then we replaced the carpets with hardwood and I was sad that that was now gone too, so I knew I couldn’t leave the one place she had been. When they found out about Lilys trachea, the doctor phoned and told me she would need a tracheotomy to live- that’s a hole in her throat to breathe, he said she would never have a good life, would never speak, would never taste anything and would have a shortened lifespan because of it. That surgery was on top of the other 4 heart surgeries she needed. This one would now be 1rst though. He said I will do it if you tell me to but even on a healthy baby the chance of survival is slim. What the fuck do you say to that!? We had company downstairs that day, I didn’t go back down.

We went back to the hospital 1rst thing the next day probably our 100th drive then. I suffered from ptsd every time I got into the car after she died. 4 days later we signed a do not resuscitate order, they took out her breathing tube and we held her until she died 30 minutes later at 4:55 pm on February 18 2012. I am forever haunted by this. What if we did the surgeries? Most likely she wouldn’t have died in our arms but on a table. What if we accepted the transfer to Canuck Place? We probably would have had a nicer end of her life together as a family. What if she was born still? None of these traumatizing experiences would have happened, we would have still grieved but differently I imagine. The hardest, what if she continued to breathe, what if she was that 5% that survived.

So as life goes on, as we try to understand the why’s of it all, we want to grow, we hope to learn, we try to accept, we continue to live. We chose to remember.

Do you beleive in Angel numbers?

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222-why do I constantly see you??

October 18

20 months today; you died.
In 2 months you would have been 2 years old.
2 months after that you will have been dead for 2 years.
I am obsessing over these facts. Why? Why the number 2.
When I was pregnant with you I saw 2, 2, and 2’s all over. I’d wake at 2:22 am. I’d randomly stop exercising after 22mins 22secs timer on a machine. There always seemed to be 22 seconds or 2mins 20 left on the microwave. I have leave to pick up my boys at 2:20 from school. February is the 2nd month of the year. Lily died the 2nd time she went back to Children’s on 02/18/2012- three 2’s.

Where are all these 2’s coming from? One day I Google’d the number 2 and sequences and this is what I found, that some believe numbers are linked to angels

http://www.angelnumbers.com

says: – “Angel number 222 is a sign for you to know that everything will be just alright. You have lots of unnecessary concerns lately and it’s time to put them away.”

– Hmmm yes I was incredibly worried and scared and now in hindsight…..rightfully so.

http://www.Mojan.com/angelnumbers

says:
-“222 – Our newly planted ideas are beginning to grow into reality. Keep watering and nurturing them, and soon they will push through the soil so you can see evidence of your manifestation. In other words, don’t quit five minutes before the miracle. Your manifestation is soon going to be evident to you, so keep up the good work! Keep holding positive thoughts, keep affirming, and continue visualizing.”

-Well I suppose if I want to look at this as a continuation after Lily’s death and possibly the arrival of Hope was a miracle…..

http://www.Angel222.info.com

says this and I think I like it the best…

-“In everyday life, and especially during troubling times, we may experience messages and signs of a spiritual nature. There is a belief that these messages may be carried down from heaven to us by angels, and that there is a consistent element to them – especially regarding numbers. Number sequences seem to have special meaning. Angel 222 messages urge you to be confident and firm in your conviction – and to be peaceful in life knowing your outcome will be joyous. 222 is the number of patience, balance and confidence. A recurring number 2 is an inspiration reminding you to be strong and faithful to your convictions, and to persevere despite obstacles. The good results will come in time, even if they may now appear “overdue!” This Angel message is a sign you must not ignore. Take heart, Angel 222 is a gift from above, a treasure that reassures us just when we need it most.”

Perhaps since I am reflecting and reading these now that maybe now is the time the sign was to be most significant.
In that I needed to keep going 2 years ago when I was struggling, I needed to keep breathing and have faith 2 months after that when my daughter was struggling and I needed a sign 2 months later when she died that I would eventually be ok. 2-2-2.

Now I not being a Religious person won’t make it hard for me to believe this simply because, I think to believe in angels it does not mean you must believe in God or Jesus Christ. In fact I do not even think them related. But a universal power, one in which we do not control, that controls us and our destiny. We help create a path in life and if we are able to follow our instinct we can make that a somewhat easy road to our already destined life. Some take the hard road, fighting their destiny the whole way though inevitably in the end they find it whether it be at 2 months old and they quickly achieve their purpose and go home (like Lily) or maybe at 2, 22, 42 even 82. We will get there and need to keep faith in ourselves that we can overcome challenges thrown at us, as well as, to keep hope alive especially when we are surrounded by darkness.

My Beautiful Husband, My Rock.

My husband, the father of my children, is Steve. He and I have been together since 2001, we married in 2007 together we have moved six times all over British Columbia and have supported each other through rough times.

When we had our sons I got to see a whole other beautiful side to the man I was lucky enough to meet at the bar one night. Steve was always supportive with the boys, he lets them climb all over him even when he is exhausted,  he lets me vent and scream, then tells me it will be okay as long as we have each other. Steve is an amazing man, husband but most importantly –DAD.  Not only does he work twelve hour days so I can stay home with the kids, he has coached our sons Ball Hockey team and Soccer team. He goofs and laughs every day, the boys always want to know when dads going to be home?!

Most recently he has stepped up to the plate.  When our third child, our baby girl-Lily, passed away Feb 18 2012; Steve had fallen head over heels for her. I had to be at the hospital every day. Back and forth from Langley to BC Children’s was hard on us all. Steve made the boys dinners, reassuring them. He cleaned, he still worked, and he found time in between to visit Lily every day, holding her endlessly. When she came home for fifteen days every one of them he rushed home from work early to hold her, he wouldn’t put her down.

He told me later, after she died, that after I gave birth to her and she was not breathing they asked him to talk to her while they attempted to resuscitate her, he did and she breathed. I believe my daughter was meant to die in childbirth- it would explain all the random complications -none of which actually contributed to her death which was inevitable.

I do not know what he saw when she came out “flat, “blue” and not breathing, I don’t know if I could have handled seeing that.

He knew she might die and he may never speak to his daughter so he did and we in return received fifty two amazing days with her before she died. He has shown me what a great Dad can be. He deserves recognition that I do not know how to give him.