Five

I cannot believe you will soon be five.

You should be turning five that is.

It hurts to re-live that night five years ago, when you were born and all there is, was silence.

No beautiful wail escaped your body.

I shook in my own tears as I was expecting this moment, as if I knew it was to happen.

Throughout my pregnancy I was terrified something was wrong. It just didn’t feel right. Then it happened, first with excitement at your arrival then with shock as you were backwards folded in half turning blue on exit. The doctor and nurses worked so hard to get you to breathe as your dad held your hand begging you to try.

I was in my own shock; all was silent. I heard nothing, I only assumed you were dead. when the doctor told me they inserted a tube finally helping you to breathe but you needed to go immediately to the NICU, that I couldn’t see you. My mind could not wrap around what was happening or why. That was the hard beginning to your short beautiful life that has changed me forever. As a mother, as a human being who vows to live empathetically and compassionately helping others. I thank you for your time in my life my beautiful child.

I wish you a happy fifth birthday this Dec 30th  wherever you are my sweet angel.

Love always and forever.

mom.

The Forever Dream

The Forever Dream

By Sheri Hall
Walking on a rainbow; she smiles
Floating on a cloud; she laughs
Whistling of the wind; are you ok? She asks
When my nose is cold; I think of you
Her eyes as dark as the moon is bright
Look into my heart; soothing the chills
Her stare holds me in an embrace
My eyes puddle; at a chance to see her face
As the sun comes
I reach out my hand; but she is gone again
Thank you for reading
Namaste,
Sheri

My Heartbeat Songs

“I think of you, and I’m not afraid”

poor baby

This first song, is a song  I listened to over and over on my drives to and from Children’s hospital  it gave me hope. That we’d be together through distance and time. Countless times after you left, I still do hope to see you again.

 

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hayd lily

The 1rst time I heard this song was after you died February 18 2012 17:05pm. The lyrics really struck me. Especially – “Mid February shouldn’t seem so scary it was only December, I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me”… I Miss you lily Bean.

 

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home

We heard this song often while you were here on earth but most noticeably at your bedside on the day you died. You told us you wanted to go home, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

 

ballon

Happy 4th Birthday my little angel xooxoxoxoxoxo

forever & always your mom

My Space will soon be 4

The space

There is a space in our family that cannot be filled. At one time it was tiny, 18 inches long, yet to reach three pounds, long and lean but tucked into a bundle dripping with my tears.

That space inserted itself into every day. She was milestones unmet, crib sheets unused, car seats returned. The pain of her absence stubbornly followed my every moment. Tears in the shower, aching emptiness in my chest and constant wonder over the functioning world.

Our space grew as we did. Two years old, a height evenly between her brother and sister, toddling in places she should be and shouldn’t.

This space came and went. She woke me up in the morning and reminded me over again how life had changed, she was a hair color I would never know and words I would never hear and this spot in every photo where I knew she should be.

As our space got older we got stronger. At four she was probably all kinds of things, probably tall and thin, probably inseparable from her sister, probably the one to like hugs more and dirt less.

We could almost see her, the little person she would have become and this hurt so much more but sometimes less.

When our space inched past 6 she was so far from the baby we held we weren’t sure how to imagine her. She might be the tallest or the shortest or have straight hair or curly forever tangled in a brush.

She wasn’t just remembered by us anymore, her siblings drew her into their imaginations, painted her into our world, dripping with vibrance and swirling colors. Their thoughts of her made our hearts burst and break at once knowing they had glimpsed our emptiness. She was their space to hold too.

Our space will be 8 soon, we’ve held her for that long. She would be begging me for purple in her hair or loving it cropped short. She should be trading clothes with her sister and sharing her bed at night or hiding her things so she won’t borrow them again.

She is the sister my daughter is sure would fix every annoyance from her brothers. The daughter I imagine would have made our life that perfect kind of ordinary. And the child I would give anything to have back.

She is the space we will always hold, she’s changed form and size and intensity over the years but there’s no force greater than what she’s left for us. A family forever holding her place.

See more of this article at: http://fourplusanangel.com/2015/09/the-space/#sthash.c9obvphA.dpuf

View original at: http://fourplusanangel.com/2015/09/the-space/

I love this post written by Jessica author of ‘Four plus an Angel’ it came in my inbox at the most necessary time. I couldn’t have written this feeling, these sentiments or thoughts any better so I have shared it with you.

Namaste,

Thanks for reading.

Sheri.

A better me because of you

We all have bucket lists of some form or another, learn to cook, run a marathon, travel etc. I always had things in the back of my head that I wanted to do, but just like the garden  I always wanted and never grew until after losing her. I never did those others things either, but suddenly I had to occupy my mind and body so I did them.

Canuck Place Adventure Race 10k, Run for water 5k, BCCH Child Run 1k and 5k, Tough Mudder16k, Vancouver Sun Run 10k

Canuck Place Adventure Race 10k, Run for water 5k, BCCH Child Run 1k and 5k, Tough Mudder16k, Vancouver Sun Run 10k

These are the races I ran over the last 3 years since her passing I have raised over $15,000. for BC Childrens Hospital and Canucks Place Childrens Hospice. I feel proud of her for encouraging me to do the things I always secretly wanted to. I’ve adopted a street I maintain in her honor and I donate blood 3x/year for her. She has made me a better person. The loss of her has taught me that life is precious, life is short and what you do should be meaningful, if only to you.

Lily’s Tree

Lily's Tree

When I was 6 months pregnant with Lily I had an urge to plant a new tree in my yard, my thought was to watch it, and her grow together, I would always know how long the tree was there because it would be the same age as her. I chose a beautiful red Japanese maple tree. I planted right in my front yard; it greets me every time I pull in the driveway.

After lily died, it was hard to look at my tree and not think of her, her name pops into my head when I see the tree; Lily’s tree.

1 dwarf cherry tree, 1 plum tree, 1 apple tree, 1 azalea, 1 lavender bush, 2 rose bushes, 3 blueberry bushes, 4 strawberry bushes, 10 hedge trees, , multiple vegetables yearly in my vegetable garden.

I became obsessed with wanting to grow things, walking in nature; I spent many hours outside staring at tree tops and crying. I told my husband I wanted to build a garden box, I had always wanted to plant and grow things and since I didn’t have a baby taking up my time why not now. The first thing I planted in my garden was Lilies of course and they come back to greet me each July.

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Thank you my angel.

Thanks for reading.

Namaste

 

Grief and Loss Books

Featured

MY TOP BOOKS ON GRIEF AND LOSS

In the dark hours and days/weeks after someone dies we often lay in the literal dark not able to shut off our minds, only wanting to sleep so the pain is not so physical; literal, as it is mental in those early days. Consumed with anguish, grief and loss. We search endlessly for books, articles, websites to help us understand what we are feeling, to know we are not alone, to help up cope. I have read many, many books on grief in the 5 short years since my daughters death, the ones that helped me cope were actually the fictional stories of parents suffering though a tragedy, in a very morbid way I was comforted. But I also read many books written specifically to help the bereaved and as I, 5 years ago would have loved to have stumbled upon a list of grief books, I didn’t, so I will share the top that helped me then and the ones I have read more recently to this day, when my daughter should be 5.5 years old.

#1 –   “no death, no fear” , (2002)  by Thich Nhat Hanh

#2 – “A Grief Observed”,  (1961) by C.S. Lewis

#3 – “Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief”, (1994)by Martha Whitmore Hickman

#4 – “The Bereaved Parent”, (1977) by Harriett S. Schiff

#5 – No Time To Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One”,   (1996) by Carla Fine.

#6 – “The Trauma of Everyday Life”,  (2013)  by Mark Epstein

#7 – “Wave”, (2013) by Sonali Deraniyagala

#8 – “Option B”,  (2017) by Sheryl Sandberg

#9 – “A Gift of Hope” (2012) & “His bright Light: The story of Nick Traina” (1998) by Danielle Steele

#10 – “Her”, (2013)  by Christa Parravani

#11 – “A Wind from the East” , (2016)  by Wendy Dartnall

 

 

 

Thanks for reading,

Namaste

Sheri

Raku Spirit Angel

Handmade Raku Angel By Artist Jeremy Diller Raku PotteryWorks

Handmade Raku Angel By Artist Jeremy Diller
Raku PotteryWorks

‘It is believed that we each have a guardian angel that watches over us. Let this raku spirit angel represent your divine protection. Tell your spirit angel your fears and troubles. Then, let your angel protector deal with your worries and fears while you focus joyfully on your goals. Expect Miracles.’

I bought this  beautiful hand made angel in ‘Old’ Scottsdale – Arizona, as a gift for my daughter who should have celebrated her 3rd b-day this past December 30th 2014. Happy Birthday Angel.

Happy Birthday Lily

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Happy Birthday Lily

Today we should be your celebrating your birthday. I am sorry. I love you more than I can ever tell you or show you. I miss you more than my heart allows without losing myself. I remember you and what life put you through. I thank you for what you gave me and have taught me about life, love and most of all what matters. Happy Birthday my sweet angel.

“Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts”     -Rachel Carson