Why we write; why we share #lost

** WARNING*** may make some feel uncomfortable, especially those that do not like acknowledging feelings or life.

I want to be real for a second or truthful since I try to always be real. I am unhappy, I have an amazing husband, three smart kids with an angel watching over us; a house, a car, free time to work on my body and mind not to mention food whenever I want. I have nothing to complain about really. Except that inside I often feel sad, I feel less than, not good enough. I go to bed with ambitions of what I want to do the next day but wake up every morning with no inspiration or want to do anything. I watch others around me having their first or last babies and think enviously of the beautiful journey they are starting, do I want more kids? No I have birthed four; my selfish mind does not want to put my body through that again. Sometimes I dream that if I had a large sum of money I would open an orphanage or home for kids that had no one, I want to help but do not know how so I do nothing. I have three beautiful kids to care for but they are getting older and in our amazing democratic Canadian system they become less and less needed of me, they are privileged white kids after all and get mostly the best access to fill their wants and needs with so many extras that some can only dream of. Do I have another baby and make that my life? Just keep having babies, no. Why would I not adopt then or take in foster kids, my husband would never agree to that that is why, after being together for sixteen years, we are ships passing in the night with a few lucky but very random moments together to remember why and how much we love each other. I have gone to University thinking that would ‘fix’ this void I have and yes it does feel good to complete a paper, class or essays after researching new topics, it is an amazing extravagance to be able to learn for fun, I realize that perhaps more than I should which is why I feel like I am wasting time when I should be helping others, that’s what we’re here for right? Then I give myself an out, I have kids that are not grown, I cannot just fill my time helping others when they still need me. So I do little things, donate, volunteer when I can but it is never enough to make me feel like I am doing enough. I look at women younger than me that have accomplished so much in terms of a career, god I wonder what it would feel like to live in a tiny apartment and put on pretty business clothes everyday and go to an office, yes the lamest dream ever, I know but when you have been at home with kids for eleven years and you know there are still at least fifteen more to go you dream lame escape wonders. So back to my incomplete self, how do we feel enough when surrounding us is a world in peril. I imagine what a yucky world this will be in a hundred years and am thankful I will no longer be a part of it though I am sad to think that my children and possible grandchildren will have to deal with it; live in it. Maybe it will be better but what I have learned in many courses, classes and workshops, it will not and that’s a sad, hard fact because greed, hate and guns have taken over. So maybe I need to go live in a hut on the beach or a cabin in the woods and become that crazy lady who lives alone maybe then I’d feel at peace. But it is doubtful. Even this, writing to strangers on a blog trying to decipher feelings through words, posting on facebook to get reactions or kind words. Or those that search for fights or arguments to have on social media out of boredom? In reality all we all want is to be heard and understood, to have a connection to one another. I guess it is why we share. Why we write. #lost

 

Thanks for reading,

Sheri

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9 thoughts on “Why we write; why we share #lost

  1. AWARNESS of self points you to your own healing and freedom. Consider that without thought – there is no suffering. 💞

    Sent from my iPhone

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  2. Hi Sheri,
    This was definitely an honest post… thank you for sharing so openly.
    It makes me wonder if you are pretty (or st the very least, mildly) depressed?
    Despite some of the truths you write about (a bleak view of our planet’s future), I believe there is still joy & happiness to be found (a real happiness that acknowledges and includes all of our other emotions, whatever they may be from day to day, moment to moment).
    Things seem pretty “flat” for you in this post. I’ve been there before myself which is why I’m asking/sharing my perceptions & wondering if you might agree…
    Sending love your way & thanking you for sharing your heart & mind … I also believe that we are all looking for connection.. and also that we really *are* all connected. ❤️

    • Thank you. I appreciate your honesty and thoughts. Yes I feel depressed at times and can see the lighter side but I do feel overshadowed by reality too. I love the moments with my kids and I guess I feel like that is so fleeting too. Thank you for reading and your words. 💚💜💛

      Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    • A appreciate your honesty in what you got from reading what I wrote and I agree with much of what you’ve shared. Thank you for your insight and thoughts. 💚

  3. The loss of a child never goes away. Sharing your grief is a good way to let the feelings breathe instead of staying trapped inside, but the pain of loss never goes away. It sits heavily inside, no matter how many people really see how it weighs in you. All I can suggest is to live in a way that honors all four of your children. Make them proud. Do what it takes to show them you are trying, even on the bad days. It’s all you can do- try. I’m so grateful that you have this space to share your story and connect with others. Being alone in grief is a prison. Walking beside others offers moments of peace and understanding. Those moments are important. 💜💜💜

    • Thank you. I truly appreciate the support. And also am happy for a space to write and express my thoughts and feelings. You are so right grief alone is a prison. Well said. Thanks for reading. 💜

  4. Thankyou for your honesty and for sharing Sheri.
    As I read your post, I had two thoughts. The first being that I too wonder if you are suffering from depression to some degree. My second thought in reading your post is, as a mom to busy, active, relatively young children, you have lost sense of who you are as an individual here in our crazy world. You have devoted every waking moment of your life to your fortunate kids. 11 years is a long time to never have a day or sometimes even a few hours to yourself.

    What would my advice be? To find yourself first and foremost in the days and months and years to come. I’ve no real ideas how to find yourself, but I imagine it would involve taking quite a bit more time for yourself and for Steve as well in your marriage. Connecting as two adults who love each other outside of parenting and the business of such task filled days. Finding balance in the time with your kids and with Steve and with yourself.

    I write of these thoughts because I very much relate to feeling unhappy inside. I go about trying to figure out what I need to do to help myself feel better perhaps very different from how you would go about things. I do observe a very busy and a very wonderful mom in you Sheri girl. You amaze me with your love, your energy, your wisdom and your amazing abilities all around. You truly do.

    Xo Love you my friend.

    • Oh Freia.
      I know we’ve had chats about life and the ups and downs and staying sane but happy or at least content. I really appreciate your thoughts. You are a strong and amazing women whom I admire deeply. Thank you.

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