I think I am ready, my vision is not so blurred, my wound not so fresh.
I realize in my grief that I have hurt many people, not purposely, not intentionally, also at the time not really caring. I didn’t care how my words affected people, it didn’t matter to me; nothing did.
But I did hurt people, I did lose friends. And I am coming to see that I was to blame not them as I had chosen to once believe. The ones closest to you disappoint us the most when they don’t know what to say- but really no one did and nothing said was ever right, but we expect more from certain people and when I felt they didn’t deliver I was cruel. Yes, I was hurt and did not care, to quote the movie ‘Home’ I was ‘sad-mad’. I also wanted them and others to hurt, to lose someone, to lose me even. Grief blurs our reality and for a while it is helpful but when the haze clears sometimes there are regrets and this time it is not about the loss or if I could have done something differently.
It is realizing that in my pain, I caused pain to those closest to me and for that I am sorry.
“Because even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you.”
― Natsuki Takaya