Why I Hate September

Why I hate September;Fall and Winter….

Sept 2011– My nightmare begins. I was 6.5mths pregnant with my 3rd child. I started having terrible thoughts, feelings of anxiety and despair I didn’t know what was wrong with me- just that something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

Sept 2012– My daughter has been dead for 7 mths. I should be planning her 1rst bday instead I am hiding my tears from strangers.

Sept 2013– My 2nd daughter was born 5 mths ago. My 1rst daughter died 1yr 7mths ago. I hate the Fall and Winter months. It will soon be my 2nds daughters 1rst Christmas…. my 1rst daughters 2nd b-day would be right after Christmas… her 2anniversary of her death 2 months after that.

Sept 2014 – I feel the dark clouds hovering in the back of my mind. So resumes my grief, rolling back into view. My anxiety returns full force. My nightmares make a nightly appearance. My 4am crying time return. Lily should be starting preschool this Sept. That is hard. Then follows my 3rd birthday without her. Her 3rd birthday without us. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Remembrance day is even hard, but Christmas, her b-day right after that and New Years are the worst. If I didn’t have other children I imagine I’d run away from Sept to March every year to live in a hut in Tahiti or anywhere far far away to escape. Escape the voices of guilt, regret, loss and loneliness. I hate September.

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2 thoughts on “Why I Hate September

  1. I totally get your hate of September. I have a hate for so many dates…the date of our finding out we were pregnant, the date of when their hearts stopped beating, and the time of their due dates. Waiting for my pain in the night to turn to joy in the morning…

    • I am so sorry,it sounds like you lost twins, breaks my heart every time I hear another loss. I feel your pain of the night waiting for morning, at least through the day we can distract our minds. Thanks for reading. I wish peace for your heart. Sorry about the loss of your precious babies.

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