What if…while trying to let go….


“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.” -Winnie the Pooh


As I sat there breastfeeding my sweet little bundle that is Hope, my mind drifted to the one and only time I nursed my angel Lily, it was right here in this exact spot on this bed, I was not supposed to nurse her (but I desperately wanted to) she had  bad reflux which caused the fluid to trickle into the wrong parts of her body(her lungs)  not into her stomach. So she was solely fed through a tube in her stomach that was attached to a machine that pumped milk down a line into her gastro intestine. That I sat and watched until it was done. What if I just nursed her instead….

I wonder, what if she had been born normally and we had never known about all these issues that were discovered because of her rare frank breach birth that caused her to lose oxygen that forced her to be hospitalized and tested on for 4 weeks…what if we just took her home and I would have nursed her as normal- what exactly would have happened?

What if the hard part at the back of her windpipe that was ‘abnormal’ that made it hard for her to breathe, well what if that would have softened over time and expanded….. what if the fact that no fluid ever went down her throat caused it to harden more and therefore restrict her breathing.

What if I tried harder or fought more to not have them do all these things to her. What if they were wrong… What if I let go of this guilt. What if I accept the past.

How do you move on? How do you let go?

Thanks for reading

Happy June.



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