That sinking feeling….

I feel like I am sinking, I have a stone tied to my heart and it is taking my head down fast, I am barely able to breathe through the choking of tears, where is this coming from, why am I so scared?

If I had one wish it would be to freeze time just at this moment so I can figure out what I am so afraid of without doing anymore damage.

I want time to stand still, because I am scared of the future, not looking forward to it, there was a time I wish I could fast forward now I wish it would be still. I don’t want my kids to keep getting older and eventually leave me, I don’t want to realize that they won’t need me soon, I don’t want to continue watching myself slowly age and die. I am scared. Mostly scared, of living right now.

My son who is almost 8 said in a random conversation when I asked him a question- he said- ‘because you always get mad at me’

Those simple 6 words ripped my heart open and here I sit falling into a wayward sinking hole, I cannot stop crying, I cannot understand, where did I go wrong? I love my children –this 7.5 year old boy- I love more than life itself, how can he not know of only my love for him, he is afraid to see me or do something because  I always get mad at him! Not so good. I have failed. I am sinking.

Hope is 1 today, and I am not elated, I am not happy, I don’t think I care.

I am overwhelmed by emotions of anxiety, guilt; I feel like a really shitty mother, to her to my boys, to lily, I am scared to death! Of death, of losing my remaining children, of them loosing me. I cannot get these morbid, sad thoughts out of my head, I feel overwhelmed at the thought of doing anything other than sit and do nothing. I want to do nothing, which actually makes it worse because I feel like I am wasting my time, my precious moments left of life, what am I doing, what is wrong with me.

I was feeling better, almost normal, my new normal -was ok. Lily’s been gone 2 years and 45 days. I feel like I am to blame, like the universe punished me. I was selfish, I didn’t want a daughter because I was scared, I thought of miscarriages while I was pregnant with Lily, I knew something felt wrong and I said nothing. I am to blame. I can’t breathe. I am sinking.

I know I must keep moving…..before I sink to the bottom.

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2 thoughts on “That sinking feeling….

  1. So sorry you are going through a terribly crappy and sad time. I don’t really have any good enough words but I get the feeling you are an amazing mother. Keep your head up. ((Hugs)) to you.

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