Nov. 13 2013
I overheard my sons’ friends telling my other sons friend that ‘Hayden’s mom wanted a girl but it was born with half a heart and died but they had another baby and now they have Hope’. Cute, sad and real.
It is cute that kids can be so open, honest and matter of fact- adults could really learn from how kids can speak so openly. Why do adults tip toe around the truth so often?
Sad: because at some point in their friendship my son told his friend about his sister that died.
Real because that is the reality of our situation and kids don’t mask, hide or have weirdness about talking about certain topics as adults do. The four boys were playing upstairs they saw a picture of lily one friend asked about it and the other friend answered. Simple. Thinking back I wonder if the friend that answered for my son was because he knew it was hard for Hayden and he didn’t want his friend to get sad at having to answer. You may think I give these young kids too much credit but after having witnessed the understanding way in which they have spoken about their sister and the sad reality of what happened, the way they’ve come to question other things has also showed their young intelligence and sense of understanding of the subject.
Unfortunately we do not think kids are able to understand or accept death, we treat them and their grief very differently. Here is a link on tips to help kids through grief.
But I believe, yes kids are resilient, yes they can move on from one subject easier than adults and yes they think and remember as we do a times. Their are nights I have fought back tears as they ask if their dad or I are going to die out of the blue. The random mentions of their sister- out of the blue. The hugs so freely given with silent understanding when mommy is sad. Kids do get it. Probably more than adults.
Nov. 20 2013
Lily’s birthday looms in the back of my mind, I secretly count down the days every night in my mind so I guess it is in the front of my mind not the back. I woke up, took kids to school, did groceries, and while driving home I am wondering why it is so hard for me to see. I pull into the garage, I look in the mirror- holy shit- my eyes are super swollen?! Why? I am not sure. I wasn’t crying last night? was my first thought….was I? No…. I did spend the better half of the day listening to Miranda Lamberts ‘over you’ , cradling Lily’s ashes so I guess I was crying. I don’t think I really notice anymore its just so common for me to be crying I don’t even notice? I walk downstairs and stare at her 11×14 picture on the wall the biggest I could get without thinking people would call me a crazy person. I remember when I brought it home and put it up in Lily’s room, my husband freaked he said he couldn’t look at it it was too big, I spent days in her room staring at it, kissing it, apologizing to it. I wanted it to feel like she was there.
Lily would be 23months old. She has been gone for 1 year and 9 months. There is a little sister of my boys’ friends who loves ‘my baby Hope’; she is 2 and a bit. She is so sweet to Hope. She truly loves her. I had a thought the other day when she was hugging hope telling her she loved her. Would that have been lily? I mean she’s a few months older than Lil but essentially the same stage she would have…should have been…. Oh how I wish hope had her big sister. I always wanted a sister.
But, no Lily would not have ever walked or talked or eaten. Had she lived and then survived all her surgeries, she was to have a tracheotomy to be able to breathe, she already had a G-tube that fed her through her gastro intestine, she had delayed development because of seizures at birth, they said she wouldn’t walk though I always doubted that they knew anything. They being the “specialists” She was going to be the one that surprised them the one that beat the odds. But she still would never have walked or tasted food. I struggle with what would have been her life, thinking that perhaps she died because she just didn’t want that life, maybe 2 months was what was meant to be her life, maybe it’s just me, and I am feeling guilty. If I had waited for the anesthesiologist and had a c-section she wouldn’t have had so many problems. The breathing would always have been there. I don’t know. I suppose I will never know.