Would you turn off your mind if you could?

How complex our minds can be. How simple our minds can be. How do we learn to shut them off? Can you or would you even if you could?

I roll my sweet baby girl around the floor as she giggles with the joy of being played with by the most important person in her world, the one who birthed her the one who still feeds her from her body. I stop, she stares into nothingness and  without a  moments notice I am ripped away from this beautiful present and taken to that horrible night of my beautiful but broken 2 month old baby girl who lay on this very same carpet in this very same spot struggling to breathe, myself screaming at my husband to call 911, desperately trying to remember the infant CPR course I had taken not but a year and a half earlier for no real reason but for maybe this…I quickly pick up my healthy six month old girl that bares incredible resemblance to her sister, the dimple, the cheeks, the button nose they share. I stand up trying to get the horrifying image out of my mind, trying to forget but then of course the guilt comes, why do I want to forget, I should embrace that pain because it is for her. My angel.

Yesterday I planted flower bulbs around the two foot sitting angel that I placed in my garden recently. I cant wait to watch them bloom around her next spring.

My 5-year-old son helped me and as we were raking the dirt around the angel he said –  “thank you for buying this angel mom cause I been missing lily a lot” I said -“I know me too”. He said –  “can I call it Lily mom?” I said -“of course”(god I love this boy!) I bought it with her in mind, she is my Lily in my mind, sitting, watching, silently helping.

And at the end of that day as I lay in my bed thankful that my kids are safely tucked in theirs. I go over the day, a simple day of playing with my kids and gardening but a complex day for what my mind went through or perhaps for what it put me through. Sometimes I think having a simpler mind would be easier. Sometimes I am glad for the torture and awareness a complex mind gives and sometimes I want it to just shut up so I can finally go to sleep!


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