When Hope was Born

June 13 2013

I don’t know how to start so I just will; Hope Elenor Rose Hall was born at 1:59am on Wednesday April 3rd 2013, exactly 1 year and 2 months after Lily my first daughter (third child) died.  I grieved immensely for Lily while being pregnant with Hope, I imagined every fear. She is now almost  7 weeks old, Lily was 7 weeks old when she died, I can’t explain the mixed emotions that well inside my heart. The thoughts that race through my mind. After Lily’s traumatic birth and eventual death 7 weeks later I did not know if I could go through labour  or at least do it without losing myself. Now everything is a what if? I cannot believe she is here and so beautiful and so alive with health. The exact opposite of her sister. Hope looks like her Dad, where Lily looked like me. I fight back tears every time I hold her, I ignore the comparisons that pass through my thoughts. I want to imagine Hope as a separate baby girl but the similarities are hard to ignore. The way she holds her thumb in her fist like Lil, the way she sleeps through the night not a peep exactly like Lil at only two months old! Every time I look at her I think of my daughter that is gone. My heart is filled with as much love as it is pain. There is a tug of war inside of me.

 

 

 

June 23 2013

I find myself returning to the dark place I felt stuck in this time last year, the only difference is I don’t feel I can be as open about my grief because of time passed, last year, my first year of grief, most people were very accepting and encouraging to share my grief, now its feels and this may just be in my head but it feels a lot harder to allow myself to grieve as though I should be “better”. My mom recently came to visit and brought with her a picture she had of Lily that was taken during her last week alive and it makes me angry because I do not remember her opening her eyes at all that last week, or at least not when I was there,she was so sedated and I was not the one that got to see or take this shot, it also ruins the memory I have of the last time she opened her eyes for me the last time I saw my daughters eyes open was the day before she returned to Children’s she woke up and smiled at me then started choking turning blue and was rushed to BCCH she never looked at me again and then my mom says she took this a few days before she died and it makes me so angry and I look at it and cry, I spent the morning watching her videos crying, folding her clothes, I am bawling as I write this. I just wish I could go back if only for a moment, I wouldn’t leave her side. I should be happy to have this last gift but I am just sad.

August 13 2013

I had a thought the other day, staring at Lily’s face or “shrine” as the counselor called it. One sad day she said   “its not healthy” to have pictures, memento or shrines as she called it all over your house. Why? I have similar “shrines” for my children who are alive just because my third child died, does she not deserve her face on my walls? as thought she never existed?

Anyway, as I stared at her beautiful face and as I usually do: apologize to her for her life, I thanked her as well, thanked her for the gift of love she has tought this family. The gift of appreciation she has given us. Lily has changed the way the people of this family look at life with the short time she gave us, by witnessing her suffering we  realize life’s  petty “problems” are just that. That we all complain about are meaningless, useless and completely not worth stressing over stuff.

I have to remind myself of her gifts when life gets in the way, the farther away from her I feel the more stressed out I get. This is all that matters. Family.

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