Time only gives you space to cope, it does not heal.

February 06, 2013

Don’t say time heals all.

You don’t know.

Time heals nothing, it simply passes and unbearable feelings become bearable – not healed. I am not choosing to be sad. The heart chooses when it wants to hurt. I can tell my brain the logic but it tells me to fuck off.

Grief is  a never-ending and very narrow spiral staircase, you slowly go up, its hard, its dizzying, sometimes you trip or stumble but keep going forward and sometimes you fall back hitting your head the whole way down. Time heals nothing it just makes it easier to get back up again and again because you have to keep going. All you have is hope that it will be ok.

February 11 2013

One year ago today I had to give you CPR on my floor until the ambulance came….. One year ago tomorrow you smiled at me for the last time and then doctors surrounded you as you began to struggle, I walked away not able to bare the pain of witnessing what was happening to my child, my baby…. in a week- one year ago you died in my arms and took a part of me with you forever. I miss you my beautiful girl. I thank you for teaching me there is nothing to fear or worry because right now is all that matters.

February 18th 2013

Lily’s “anniversary” of her death came and went the lead up to it was much worse than the day. I hate the word anniversary- as if we celebrate it. I did spend most of the week purchasing any and all bouquets of Lilies I could get my hands on. My house was filled with beautiful flowers for you my beautiful girl.

 

March 22 2013

Lily has been dead for one year and one month, I remember leaving the hospital, walking out feeling empty, feeling relief, and feeling confused, what just happened? I couldn’t look at her as she turned blue, after they took her breathing tube out, I was scared of having that image etched in my memory forever- so I didn’t look, I wish I had. I wanted to run out that hospital, I now wish I had stayed longer, held her longer, kissed her more. But I didn’t. I spent the following weeks in a daze- a zombie like state where I did what I needed to do, I avoided most people- they all looked at me with pained, pitied expressions anyways. I made pictures of her, I laid in bed a lot, I cried a lot. After five months the shock wore off and I think that is when it hit me…. I had a baby girl, I watched her suffer, I watched her brothers and her father suffer, and I then watched her die. What the Fuck!? I went on long walks, I hid my tears from all, no one deserved to come to the land of tears with me. Steve and I got incredibly close, and then drifted apart our grief taking separate paths. We are close again but we needed that space.  I have little triggers now that inevitable have me thinking of her, crying for her, certain songs, certain words –olive, trachea, February to name a few, some specific things I see- a rainbow, a lily flower.

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