Time only gives you space to cope, it does not heal all things.

Don’t say time heals all, especially to someone that is going through a loss or tragedy you never have or do not understand.

You don’t know.

Time heals nothing, it simply passes, when you wish it would stop. Unbearable feelings become bearable – not healed. You can never fully mend whats broken. Nor do you want to. I am not choosing to be sad. The heart chooses when it wants to hurt. We can tell our brain the logic of a situation but it can reply with more tears.

Grief is  a never ending and very narrow spiral staircase, you slowly go up, it’s hard, it’s dizzying, sometimes you trip or stumble but you keep going forward and sometimes you fall backward, hitting your head the whole way down.

Time heals nothing it just makes it easier to get back up again and again because you have to keep going. All you have is hope that it will be ok.

One year ago today on February 11 2012 I had to give you CPR on my floor until the ambulance came….. One year ago tomorrow you smiled at me for the last time and then doctors surrounded you as you began to struggle, I walked away not able to bare the pain of witnessing what was happening to my child, my baby…. in a week- one year ago you died in my arms and took a part of me with you forever. I miss you my beautiful girl. I thank you for teaching me there is nothing to fear or worry because right now is all that matters.

One year ago today, February 18 2012. 1 year since Lilys death came and went the lead up to it was much worse than the day. I hate the word anniversary- as if we celebrate it. I prefer deathversay. I did spend most of the week purchasing any and all bouquets of Lilies I could get my hands on. My house was filled with beautiful flowers for you my beautiful girl.

She has been dead for one year and one month, I remember leaving the hospital, walking out feeling empty, feeling relief, and feeling confused, what just happened? I couldn’t look at her as she turned blue, after they took her breathing tube out, I was scared of having that image etched in my memory forever- so I didn’t look, I wish I had. I wanted to run out that hospital, I now wish I had stayed longer, held her longer, kissed her more. But I didn’t. I spent the following weeks in a daze- a zombie like state where I did what I needed to do, I avoided most people- they all looked at me with pained, pitied expressions anyways. I made pictures of her, I laid in bed a lot, I cried a lot. After five months the shock wore off and I think that is when it hit me…. I had a baby girl, I watched her suffer, I watched her brothers and her father suffer, and I then watched her die. What the?! I went on long walks, I hid my tears from all, no one deserved to come to the land of tears with me. Steve and I got incredibly close, and then drifted apart our grief taking separate paths. We are close again but we needed that space.  I have little triggers now that inevitable have me thinking of her, crying for her, certain songs, certain words –olive, trachea, February to name a few, some specific things, a rainbow, a lily flower, an ambulance, or even a sunset that ends the day. Another day gone without her.

Thanks for reading,




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