January 5th 2013
Fall has come and gone, Christmas has come and gone, my Lily’s 1rst birthday (December 30th) has come and gone. 2012 is now gone.
It is now a new year, a new hope for the future, a new light to seek. I made a colage of photos for Lily’s birthday, I can look at it, I love to stare, I get sad but now only a few moments after I am okay again and not grief-stricken. I have hope.
I heard once that hope is what you have left when reality has taken everything else from you. I have hope. She is in fact a twenty-seven week old fetus –female fetus- we have named Hope that is in my womb.
This new journey has been incredibly hard, exhausting, painful wondering would it happen again? What can I do different? Our loss has been intensified by not knowing why, how or maybe knowing that it was just a rare five percent chance that all have but that we have already lost a child it is more likely to happen again because it is possible it is something in my body. People that have miscarriages don’t miscarry once it’s usually multiple times because of something not functioning properly in their body, similarly with stillborn babies, is it me? Will she be safe? I have to hope she will be okay.
I am cautiously happy.
I had a thought this is my fifth pregnancy thought I have two living children maybe I will have three. Her due date is April, as it approaches I am filled with terror in reliving Lily’s birth.
January 14th 2013
As I drive home, I listen to your song – the one I played for you at your funeral. I listened to this song every day on the way to the hospital to see you last year, I cry every time I hear it.
It snowed today and the beauty of it surrounding me made me think of you, you are in everything around me. As I drove home listening to our song, crying, thinking of you. In my rear view there is an ambulance, I pull over immediately I would never hesitate anymore I don’t know if I did before but that one horrible winter night last year February 11 to be exact I screamed for one, I breathed into your little face, I pushed fearfully onto your tiny chest and I waited for the ambulance. Today whenever I see one I think of that night, I worry about where it may be going, who it could be rescuing this time I would never hesitate to pull over, they need to get where they are going somewhere there might be a mother waiting, scared because their child is dying. I love you, I love you, I love you.
I don’t believe in God, in the sense that my child is sitting with some “God” I believe in continuation, in spirit, in love. But this song was played often during my hardest months and I found comfort in its words…. Heaven has a different meaning to us all so I thought it’s a great line….. “Moments of heaven mixed with moments of hurt” that is what I felt, feel about life today.
- 5 months after my girl died these were my thoughts…. (dealingwithmygrief.wordpress.com)
- 6 months after Lily’s Death & I was pregnant?! (dealingwithmygrief.wordpress.com)