Aug 10th 2012
I am pregnant. I am elated. I am terrified. However, when I was pregnant with my first and second kids I could never read the parts in pregnancy books that dealt with “issues” usually bad things that can happen in pregnancy and go wrong at birth- I simply didn’t read them because that would never happen to me- so why force myself to think or feel something so absolutely terrible. Now pregnant with my fourth child, I have a new pregnancy book, I am treating is like I know nothing, I will do everything I am supposed to nothing I am not. People say “you can’t put that on yourself- it wasn’t your fault” ok- but if I do everything I possibly can to make sure I know I did everything I possibly could to have a healthy baby, then at least then if something happens again- something that I don’t think I could live through twice, then at least I would know without a doubt I did everything in my power- no one’s understands the guilt I feel, I carried my girl for ten lunar months, I knew something wasn’t right, I felt it inside but I hoped and prayed that I was just nervous about another child- a third child- I could barely handle two! And there I was having three! Sheesh! But no something was wrong and now pregnant again, I am happy to have another chance. I will not think about the future but simply today and getting through today. We focus so much on tomorrow that it really messes us up when tomorrow is taken away- you cannot fathom the loss of not only what you once held in your arms being gone but all of your dreams and visions of the future with that child that is gone.
September 17th 2012
As of late I am incredibly depressed to say the least, I am not sure if I was in shock and denial for the first few months after Lily’s death and am now crawling out and seeing the world anew ,trust me I do not like what I see. Or if it is that September signifies more, the start of a new school year for the boys, the start of Fall the approaching holiday season, I do not know where it is coming from but I am feeling intense greif again, I am hormonal and pregnant, I wonder what my 8 month old would look like had she lived, I wonder if I can make it through the rest of the year. I have gone to visit four grief counselors in the past six months, – four separate counselors because I cant find one that I like or that says anything useful, helpful even. However the last one I saw came the closest to helping me in a way that was simple, after thirty minutes of me sobbing into my hands the story of my lost daughter and the aftermath, my lack of joy or love for the world, my obsession with miscarriages and that I thought I’d have one with Lily, my guilt over not wanting her initially I could go on forever. She –the counselor/psychologist said- “it sounds to me Sheri that you started grieving Lily before she died” and as soon as she said it, it felt right it was true! (She also said I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder which no other “doctor” had mentioned which seemed right since –duh watching your child die is- TRAMATIC!)I was so incredibly sad when I was pregnant, I was so incredibly scared to give birth and go through what I was about to go through that I wanted a miscarriage. She was right in my mind I felt yes! I knew overwhelmingly that something was wrong during my whole pregnancy I just couldn’t name it and then after experiencing something only a mother could- a mother that carried a broken child a child that could not survive, a mother that has guilt a mother that would trade her life so her child could have lived can understand the agonizing months in the hospital the pain on my babys face as she struggled to breathe, giving her cpr on my living room floor, having them tell me she was going to die, having to tell my boys their sister was dying- none of this! Did I want to go through- and on another level when I was pregnant I knew something horrible was about to happen and I wanted to stop it. But I couldn’t so I became depressed during the end of my pregnancy. February 18 2012 when we took out Lily’s tube and she died in my arms, I couldn’t cry I felt her disappear earlier in the week, I was holding a body, I walked out of the hospital that night almost with a feeling of relief that I would never have to return. I of course have regret and guilt over feeling that- my baby just died- what was wrong with me!