My first thoughts after Lily’s death

 A quote I read that I felt made sense when nothing else did….

“Grief is a daily challenge to your assumptions about the world. It demands that you accept that loss is a part of our lives. Going through grief demands that you abandon the notion that you must always feel good…You are forced to accept loss not just intellectually, but with every aspect of your person, your identity.”
-Sameet M.Kumar ~grieving mindfully~
May 2012 –

 

May 04th 2012

My pain is real and I ache for you, I try to be strong, but wanting you back replaces all the logic in my mind, the nights are hard because of the silence, the days are long because of your absence.’ I am having a rough morning, the actual physical pain in my chest is immense, I can’t sleep anymore, I try and I just lay there thinking, I keep remembering being in the ‘pump room’ and talking to other moms that had been there, in the Neo Natal Intensive Care, for six, seven, eight months and thinking how lucky I was that Lily wasn’t that serious and we’d get to go home soon, I guess they were the lucky ones.

June 29th, 2012

 

I have a ritual, I play Miranda Lamberts ‘over you’ I ‘swaddle’ her ashes in her blanket that has never been washed, it still has a blood stain on it, a very tiny blood stain. Today I was doing this and I freaked out because I couldn’t find the stain, can stains fade? Did someone wash this? It felt almost silly but not really, I needed to see her blood, somehow to remember that she was real, that she was once wrapped in this blanket, that has her name written on the tag so we didn’t lose it in the hospital, that blood stain represents so much more than any person who has never lost a child could understand.

Here are the lyrics to Miranda Lamberts written by Blake Sheldon’s ‘Over You’….

‘Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold
Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary
It was only December
I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid’

Lily was born in Dec and died in Feb.  I miss her more every day, but it’s true, I am no longer afraid. The worst has already happened.

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2 thoughts on “My first thoughts after Lily’s death

  1. Pingback: Time only gives you space to cope, it does not heal. | Dealing with My Grief

  2. Pingback: When Hope was Born | Dealing with My Grief

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